I'm perfectly at home with who I am. I find it a lot easier if I don't have to pretend. I don't have to try to remember who knows what.
Recently I have been buying DVD's of the new Dr. Who series. While I really like the older series format I think the new series has a lot going for it. I understand that The first season doctor only did one season . Shame really. Anyway, if your a Dr. Who fan like myself you will enjoy it.
Another thing that I'm REAL happy about is that we have been back to Mars [ well, kinda at least ]. I hope "we" get there in person someday. What if Christopher Columbus had said "Hell no, I'm not sailing off into the unknown. Send a robot instead. It's to dangerous." Or if Lewis and Clark had said the same thing. Sure there's huge risk. Any great exploration in history has cost lives. BUT, it didn't stop the exploration. I'm a HUGE Sci-Fi fan. Have been since I was a teen. The exploration of space is kind of a realization of my day dreams.
Along somewhat related lines comes UFO's. Have I ever seen one? Well, by definition anything seen flying that can't be identified is a UFO so I guess maybe I have a couple times. Were they extraterrestrial? I dunno. BUT, they were flying and I still don't know what the heck they were. Well, that's true for one at least. One I saw I have a pretty fair idea what it was but that object doesn't exist, at least officially. I believe it was the Aurora.
The thing is, as far as I'm concerned the cruelest joke that God could play on "us" would to be alone in the universe. I hope there are other "people" out there somewhere.
Amongst my other hobbies is Ham Radio, Computers, and beer making. The problem with the beer making is, I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE! I "bought" a twelve pack a year ago and have about eight cans left. I guess I'm waiting on it to age.
Now a bit more about me personally.
I'm a sixty something year old transsexual that is making a BIG change in my life. If the idea is obnoxious to you please feel free to leave. If you have an honest interest and would like to ask any real questions feel free to e-mail. I will try to answer any real, honest questions.
I spent 40+ years trying to be something I'm not. Now I'm becoming what I always knew I was. Over the next several years I will become, to the outside world, a woman. It is not something I undertake without great trepidation. It will not be an easy path. It has already had great cost in my personal life. And it will probably have even more.
I have known ever since I was five years old that I wasn't like the other boys, or maybe I should say girls. There were four of us in the block where I grew up that were about the same age. As most kids will do we found a place in a back yard where we couldn't be seen and played a little doctor. I remember thinking that there was something wrong. I wasn't supposed to have one of these, I was supposed to have one of those. An "innie" not an "outie". Some might find it strange that even at that early an age I "knew" somewhere deep inside that things didn't match. I had always identified with th girls around me. If there were boys and girls I always gravitated towards the girls and what they were doing not the boys and what they were doing. As time went on I tried to be what the world thought I was. Went into the military, got married, had a family. I tried very hard to be the perfect husband and father.
This has nothing to do with sex. This has to do with the gender identity I have always had inside me. Sex is an act that you perform. Gender is what you are. Sex is between the legs. Gender is between your ears. There have been studies done that are well on the way to proving that Male-to-Female Transsexuals have, in a way, always been right. They are women trapped in a mans body. They have studied the brains of deceased M-t-F Transsexuals gay males and females, and "normal" males and females that show that M-t-F's have a structure to their brains that is the same as in female brains. [ to read the report you will need Adobe Acrobat reader ] Read Report
Over the past three years I have been from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of depression and survived the journey. [ See second quote to the top left ]
I'm beginning to feel the real pull of transition. Don't know how long before I am forced to make that huge step. I know that I'm not ready just yet. Still have a few things unfinished. Need more therapy sessions to work out a few bugs and lots of electrolysis. Most of all I need to reconcile a great love that I have found.
OK, I know this is going to sound strange coming after the statements above. But my great love and I have been married. Yes, she knows everything. The first time we met in person I was wearing a dress. We met through a couple mutual friends over the net and had been corresponding for some time. Over a period of two years or so we met as often as possible for weekends as friends. With the death and all of my stepfather in 2000 I realized the uncertainties of life and became determined to tell Tracie just how I felt about her. So in October I took a couple days off to be with her and told her just how I felt. It hasn't always been a smooth time but we are now happy as a couple bugs in a rug. I think I love her more everyday, if thats possible. I hope that everyone can find a love such as I have found.
For all those that come after, there are a few things that no one ever tells you about hormones. The changes in your body are profound and very exiting. Your skin feels SO much more alive. More sensitive to touch. The very fabric of your clothes feels much nicer against the skin. Yes, the breasts do grow. But its a double edged sword. They are tender and sensitive most of the time. You DON'T EVEN want to bump one into something. Puberty is NOT all its cracked up to be. And puberty is exactly what you go through with HRT. Some mention the mood swings, those I haven't experienced yet. But what I have experienced is a profound change in my emotions. I feel everything much more intensely. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I no longer experience the towering rages that I did before the hormone replacement began. Its really quite incredible.
Over time I have found a few "truths", for me at least. They may be universal "truths". I don't know. I can only speak for myself.
First. It is important for you to be true to yourself. I spent the better part of my life living a lie. It made my life miserable for years. It caused nothing but heartache and pain. Nearly cost me my life. ( See The Long Dark Night on the left. )
Next. You can never truly love another until you love yourself. This follows the first "truth". Most important along this line is that if you love someone make sure you tell them often. I don't care if your just going to the corner store. Tell them you love them before you leave. Life is fragile. I once read/heard something about only being one heart beat away from death. Well, it's true.
(o:]>* Huggles *<[:o)