I'm grinning from .'ere to 'ere.  You're so vain I bet you think this tagline's about you... Modem: Deterrent to receiving wanted and unwanted calls One of my other computers is parked in orbit. o o . o <== Tagline Seeds! Plant only in Phosphorus. !evirD-draH ym pu kcab nac I woN !!esrever dnuof I ""We are the most powerful planet on earth" - Dan Quayle "2B or not 2B = FF" "A Conservative government is an organized hypocrisy." -- Disraeli "A bad workman always blames his fools." -- The Doctor "A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate." - Lazarus Long "A citizen-proper is not one by virtue of residence." - Aristotle "A cult is a religion with no political power." - Tom Wolfe "A fool and his freedom are soon parted" "A fool must now and then be right by chance." Ä William Cowper "A fool's bolt is soon shot." Ä Shakespeare "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." Ä Emerson "A free people ought...to be armed..." - George Washington "A government in "action" is interesting only if it's not your own." "A knavish tagline sleeps in a foolish ear." -- Tagspeare "A knowledgeable fool is a greater fool than an ignorant fool." "A man must know his limitations if he wants to survive." "A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest." - H.Ellison "A man's life, of any worth, is a continual allegory." - Keats "A political party is organized opinion." -- Disraeli "A prudent question is oneÄhalf of wisdom." Ä Francis Bacon "A right DELAYED is a right DENIED." - Martin Luther King, Jr. "A war put off is not a war avoided." - Charlton Heston "A woman, like music, should have a good end." Ä F. Schubert "After all there is but one race Ä humanity." Ä George Moore "After all, unlike your god, we are civilized." - Dan Ceppa "All Bibles are man-made." - Thomas Edison "All I'll say is that I feel sorry for my tapeworm.". "All Truths begin as blasphemies." George Bernard Shaw "All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." - Poe "All trust is foolish." -- Drow Proverb "America has no criminal class except her Congress." - Mark Twain "America, Love it or Leave it!" comes back to haunt Dittoheads. "American beer is like making love in a canoe, It's F*&^ing close to water!" "Americans suffer from emotional chaos without reason." Ä Chuin "An eye for an eye" only ends up making the whole world blind. "Any damned fool can predict the past. And most do." Ä Niven "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression."-Douglas "Automatic" simply means it can't be fixed "Be kind to all except Non-Christians and Pro-Choicers." - Bible "Before God we are all equally wise Ä and equally foolish." Ä Einstein "Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man." - Thomas Paine "Biplane" ...last words a pilot says before bailing out. "Blind faith in anything can get you killed." - B. Springsteen, 1985 "Brace yerself, Sheila." - Australian foreplay "Brew me another coffee," said Tom perkily "Careful, we don't want to learn from this." - Calvin "Cashew?" "Gesundheit!" "Children are meant to unfold, not to mold." - Chip Griffin "Christianity is not my religion." - A. Lincoln "Common sense is not so common." - Voltaire "Computer not a virgin. No Himem found!" "Costrophobia"....The fear of high prices. "Creationist nonsense" is redundant. "Custom is the law of fools." Ä Vanburgh "DOS"=Your PC. "Windows"=Your PC on drugs. Any Questions? "Death is life's answer to the question `Why?'" Ä Anonymous "Did I say your money OR your life? I meant to say AND." - Jehovah "Did you hear the peacock story?" "No." "Its a beautiful tale." "Did you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was burning..." "Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion." - T. Jefferson "Discretion in speech is more than eloquence." Ä Bacon "Diversity of opinion is the essence of freedom." - Devlin "Do not answer fools according to their folly..." - Proverbs 26:4 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." - New Testament "Does your cat fly by herself?" "No, I fling her." "Don't do that, Son. You'll go blind." "I'm over here, Dad." "Don't mince words, ... what do you *REALLY* think?" "Doubt is the origin of truth. Know thyself." - Socrates "Education: A debt due from present to future generations." Ä G.Peabody "Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness." "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." Ä Groucho Marx "Empathy is the most revolutionary emotion." - G. Steinem "Ethics change with technology." - L. Niven "Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe?"--Calvin "Ever sleep with a redhead?" "Not a wink." "Everyone who is able, may have a gun." - Patrick Henry "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice." - B. Goldwater "Facts are stubborn things" - T. Smollett "Faith is believing what you know ain't so." - Clemens "Faith is not wishing to know what is true." - Nietzsche "Faith which does not doubt is a dead faith." Ä de Unamuno "Fanaticism is not a gender issue; it's a mental health issue." - MB "Fear is the foundation of most governments." - J. Adams "For every inch that is not a fool is rogue." Ä Dryden "For example" is not proof. "Free men have arms; slaves do not." - Wm. Blackstone "Free speech includes the right not to listen, if not interested." "Galileo is wrong!" - RCC "Sit on it and rotate!" - Galileo "Gather 'round like cattle and ye shall be herd." "Given sufficient time, any fundy will debunk itself." - Hector's Law "God is a verb, not a noun, proper or improper." - Fuller "God told me' is no excuse for stupidity." - Steve Quarrella "Good morning!" is an opinion, not a greeting. "Good research is ALWAYS profitable." - R. A. Heinlen "Government at it's worst is intolerable." - Paine "Government at its best is a necessary evil." - T. Paine "Government's a disease masquerading as its own cure." - L. Neil Smith "Guard with jealous attention the public liberty." - P. Henry "Gun control means people control." - A. Hitler, 1939 "Hang up your logic over there." "Happiness is a warm puppy." said the anaconda. "Have a nice day!" "No thanks, I have other plans." "He wasn't always like this. It's the drugs." "He who does not love does not know God." - I John 4:8, NKJV "He who does not prevent a crime when he can, encourages it." - Seneca "He who loves God must love his brother also." - I John 4:21b, NKJV "He's been mercifully spared the ravages of intelligence." "He's not as big a fool as he was. Just thinner." "He's probably one of those people that thinks Elvis is dead." "Hell is...other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Hey, Noah! How long can you tread water?" - God "Hmmm... one bullet left. Think I can get them to line up?" "Horrid mischief would ensue were half the world deprived arms."-Paine "How good do you have to be to qualify as good?" - Calvin "How you doing today?" "Fine doc" "That'll be $95 please" "I am a Borg-again Christian. Resistance to our evangelism is futile." "I am not a number, I am a free man!!" - The Prisoner "I assume nothing, I suspect everyone..." - Clouseau of the Surˆt‚. "I assume" makes an ass out of u and me. "I believe in a God that doesn't need heavy financing." - Fletch "I brake for animals; I floor it for Fundies!" "I bring you these 15... oops... 10 commandments..." "I count religion but a childish toy." - Marlowe "I don't get ulcers, I *give* ulcers!" "I don't hate religious people; I find them comical." - Mencken "I haven't eaten a bloody thing all day." -Dracula "I may make you feel, but I can't make you think." "I promise to take good care of your cat." - Schrodinger "I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better!" "I want to decide who lives and who dies." P Edwards "I'd be a Christian...if it wasn't for Christians." - M. Gandhi "I'll " || "gather " || "my " || "thoughts," Paul concatenated. "I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed." "I'm not loafing! ....I'm doing research on Inertia." "I'm responsible for most of the things I do" "If God exist how will you explain it in HELL." - D. Ward "If I am what I eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy." "If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it." - Tim Allen "If one kid's good enough for God, it's good enough for you." - JB "If there is a supreme being, he's crazy." - Marlene Dietrich "If thinking is too hard, quote Scripture." - Fundie Motto "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle "If you want instant coffee, you'll have to wait!" "Ignorance is free but it exacts an enormous price." - Leipzig "Important principles may and must be inflexible." - A. Lincoln "In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap." - N. Bonaparte "Individual liberty is the basis of a free society." - R. Ledford "Is that a term of affection or do you just not like me." "Is that computer still on the phone?!!!" "Is that your cat?" "Yes it is." "My condolences." "Is the coffee strong enough?" "It's just right..." "It has served us well, this myth of Christ."-Pope Leo X "It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere." Ä Voltaire "It takes all kinds to clog the gene pool." - Don Martin "It's a dead giveaway" said the taxidermist. "It's the Cancer Society." "TELL THEM WE DON'T WANT ANY!" "Jesus is coming! Look busy!" "Justice is incidental to law and order." - J. Edgar Hoover "Kelnyth's axiom #110: Backups are always a day too Late!" "Lay then the axe to the root and teach governments humanity." - Paine "Lay-tex con-dome. I'd love to live in one of those!" "Legal" and "moral" are not synonyms. Nor are "illegal" and "immoral." "Let the fools have their 'tar-tar' sauce." - Monty Burns "Let us trust in God who has always fooled us in the past." Ä Unknown "Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." - B. Franklin "Love - a grave mental disease." - Plato "Lux soap will make your husband gay." From a late '30's ad. "Man has the one true religion. Several of them!" - Twain "Man is born into trouble, as the sparks fly upward." - Job 5:7 "Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy." "Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." - B. Goldwater "Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition" "Mr. Moderator, you may now officially blow a gasket.." "Much Ado About Nothing" -- A typical day on a FIDO Echo. "Music is mathematics for the soul." - Anon. "Music is the space between the notes." - Claude Debussy "My concealed carry permit is my birth certificate." - L. Neil Smith "My mind isn't always in the gutter, sometimes it comes out to feed." "NOW" is a point in time that is already gone. "Never fear answers. Only fear running out of questions." Ivanova "Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." "Next week, Johnny, we explore the wonders of sex. Bring your sister!" "No cause is so right that one cannot find a fool following it." Ä Niven "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - T. Jefferson "No good deed ever goes unpunished." "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper."-TJefferson "Nothing is what it seems, all things are what they are." - Raven "Nothing says 'I love you' like eternal torture." - Jason Rosendale "Obscenity" is whatever gives the judge an erection. "Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it." Ä Homer "Once you give up a right, or a freedom, you *never* get it back." "One man with a gun can control 100 without guns." - Lenin "Only Americans can hurt America." - Eisenhower "Only a fool tells the bald truth on social occasions." - Heinlein "Only the dead have no need of self defense." - Charles Curley "Oops" : A technical term widely used by sysops and moderators. "Our marriage must be dissolved," she said acidly. "Peeping Tom" - A perverted cat on stilts. "Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein." "Politically Correct," the perfect oxymoron! "Politics ruins the character." - Otto von Bismarck "Power concedes nothing without a demand." (F. Douglass) "Prejudice is the reason of fools." Ä Voltaire "Questions are never indiscreet; answers sometimes are." Ä Oscar Wilde "Quiet"...is an impossibility these days... "Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God." - T. Jefferson "Religion is superstition enslaving a philosophy." - Inge "Samuel Morse invented Morse code. Plato invented the Plate." "Scattered showers my *ass*!" - Noah "Science is not a crutch, but a ladder." - Chris Feree "Secrecy and a free, democratic government don't mix." - Harry Truman "Shall not be infringed." What don't you understand? "She's as sharp as a bag of wet hair" - Al Bundy "Some days it all seems so feudal." King Arthur "Speak the truth, but leave immediately after." - Yugoslav Proverb "Stop that, son. You'll go blind." "I'm over here, Dad." "TSR=(T)rashes (S)ystem (R)andomly ." "Take a quiet vacation and it hits the fan." -- Law of Moderators "Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish." Ä Euripides "Talking to you is like talking to a wall!" - The Iron Circle "Thank heaven for little girls!" Maurice Chevalier 1955 "The American people are wise enough to run their own affairs." - RAH "The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print." - Mark Twain "The Good, the bad, and the guy with the pun." - Various "The Science of Rap terminology (YES + NO) - ESN = YO " "The believer is happy; the doubter is wise." - Hungarian proverb "The embrace of love held too tightly can destroy." - The Iron Circle "The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear." - M.Gandhi "The first condition of immortality is death." Ä Stanislaw Lec "The first object of my heart is my own country." - Thomas Jefferson "The foolish and unwary find waiting death." - Drow Proverb "The government is a much bigger threat than any militia." - J. Brown "The great object is that every man be armed." - Patrick Henry "The human race is still in beta test" "The real money is in starting your own religion." - L. Ron Hubbard "The sublime and the ridiculous are closely related." - Paine "The welfare of the people is the chief law." Cicero "The will of God is the sanctuary of ignorance." - Spinoza "There are two sides to every question." Ä Protagoras (410 BC) "There is nothing permanent except change" Heraclitus "There's a sucker reborn every minute." "There's feline flesh all over the road," Bill said categorically. "These are the times that try men's souls." - T. Paine "These things I command you, that you love one another." - John 15:17 "They are only truly great who are truly good." Ä G. Chapman "Think of it as evolution in action." - Niven & Pournelle "This coffee tastes like mud!" "Well, it was ground this morning." "Those who would sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither." "Those who would trade liberty for security deserve neither."-Franklin "To be left alone...the right most valued by civilized men." -Brandeis "Toxic waste sample?" - "Nope, Paul Edwards's coffee." "Truth will sooner come out of error than from confusion." - F. Bacon "Vehemence is no guarantee of truth." - Isaac Asimov "Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally. "War would end if the dead could return." Ä Stanley Baldwin "We are upping our standards... so up yours." "We'll find a way around it." - Bill Clinton, on the 4th Amendment "Weird" is a relative, not absolute, term. "What do churches have to do with lunatics?" - Staal "What do you mean 'I burnt the oatmeal'? That's COFFEE!! ___ "What kind of fool do you take me for?" "First class." "What luck for rulers that men do not think." - Hitler "What one fool can do, another can." Ä Ancient Simian Proverb "When I grow to old to laugh... shoot me!" "When NT catches on, cows will fly." - Dvorak, April 1994 "When did I say build an amusement park?" - Jesus "When firearms go, all goes - we need them every hour." G.WASHINGTON "When only Cops and the Military have guns, IT'S A POLICE STATE!" "When the government fears the people, there is liberty." - Washington "When the people fear their government, there is tyranny." - Washington "Whenever books are burned, men, also, are burned." - Heine "Who on earth will know?" - Richard Nixon "Who wills, can. Who tries, does. Who loves, lives." "Who's more foolish? The fool, or the fool that follows him?" "Whoever hates his brother is a murderer." - I John 3:15, NKJV "Why ME, Dog?" pleaded the dyslexic. "Wisdom is prevented by ignorance, and delusion is the result." Ä Gita "Wise men learn more from fools than fools from wise men." Ä Cato "You can't fool me Ä there ain't no sanity clause." Ä Chico Marx "You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong." - A.Lincoln "You saw God?" "Er, yes...and she's black, sir." "Your hair's thinning." "So, who wants fat hair?" $ not found: A)bort, R)efinance, D)eclare bankruptcy. $$ won't buy happiness, if you don't know where to shop 'Intel Inside' is a Government Warning Required By Law ( ) <- Politically Correct statement. (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? Help,,,my (S)ex drive just crashed!!! Stupidometer: ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°°°° 64% meter of interest: ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° 32% *#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#* OH NO, a worm in my Hard-drive! *** TAGLINE BAN IN EFFECT IN THIS CONFERENCE *** *I* didn't do it, the *computer* did it! *IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only." *Share* the Bible all you like, just keep it out of the law. ++ @#%$ NO CARRIER...but I've got 2 destroyers and a frigate... +hanks, Yomve madT liAe mofe comp+ica+Ed ! ----------This Tagline is blank to save space------------ -=When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns=- .................... POLICE LINEUP . <-- Grain of Salt - take as needed with above advice. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER? << ... FIDO lie #01 I read all messages in the TAGLINES echo. ... FIDO lie #02 I have a life outside the FIDOnet. ... FIDO lie #03 I wrote these tags myself. ... FIDO lie #04 There is no such thing as line noise. ... FIDO lie #05 I tried all the recipes in the COOKING echo. ... FIDO lie #06 Real people read and reply to your mail. ... FIDO lie #07 I've won debates in both GUNS and ANIMAL_RIGHTS. ... FIDO lie #08 Your mail is sent under a week anywhere. ... FIDO lie #09 Your sysop doesn't type this all in. ... FIDO lie #10 Internet/UUCP gateways work. ... FIDO lie #13 The Other nets will Die off leaving Just FIDO. ... FIDO lie #14 NetMail is Highly PRIVATE and sysops don't read them. ... FIDO lie #15 You get all the messages ever sent in an area. ... FIDO lie #16 NetMail is never bounced because of stupidity. ... FIDO lie #17 I know the echo rules by heart. My poor mouse only has one ball. Exiting pontification mode..... Some go disk way & some go data way... ..and kicked the polar bear in the ice hole. .and Satan said to God,"But where will YOU get a lawyer?" 1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6. 10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo! 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... (Bo Dereck getting older) 1024x768x256.... Sounds like one mean woman. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium 13 Witches in a hot tub: a self-cleaning coven! 1814 the British burned Congress and the White House; OUR TURN! 186,000 miles/second eh.! So, what's the speed of dark ? 1: Don't sweat the small stuff. 2: It's all small stuff. 1st programmer, Eve; Apple & Wang in each hand. 2 + 2 + 5 for extremely large values of 2. 2 B or not 2 B, that is the pencil... 2 wrongs Don't make a right, but 3 lefts do 2+2=5... It HAS to, the computer says so. 20,000 gun laws don't work! 2000 years ago Egyptians worshiped cats. Cats have never forgotten it 20c coin: A $1.00 coin with all the taxes taken out! * 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, Hmmm..... 240 gr jhp, when you care to send the very best. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! 250,000,000 ARMED CITIZENS - A TYRANT'S WORST NIGHTMARE! 28 Millionaire US Senators: 21 Democrats, 7 Republicans. Tax the rich? 2nd rule of tinkering: Remember where all the parts go. 2› is the value of socialism adjusted for inflation. 3 Kinds of People: Those who can count & those who can't. 3 Stages of Sex: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 3 certainties in life: (1) Death. (2) Taxes. (3) Gas in Church 3 most deadly words, "Go ahead..shoot" 300 baud short of a 9600 baud connection. 32 gig of disk space, 28 lines, huge wedding tackle. 4.77MHz 8088 simulator: Microsoft Windows 3.1 45 24.5'N 65 58.5'W (plate tectonics notwithstanding) 47.8% of all statistics are totally meaningless 486 and Windows Ä Driving a Maserati with the parking brake on. 486 dx2/66: Smell something burning? 486 to 286 conversion kit now available. Call Microsoft. 486SX: When only the most recent mediocrity will do... 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. 5" floppy is not better than 3" hard. 50% of my ancestors were female. 57 characters in a tagline - many more in this echo 586,32MB 40nsRAM,4GB 2ms HD, now Windows will beat an XT 6.9 <--- A good thing ruined by a period 64,999,999 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.. 640K is more than enough for everyone..Bill Gates 1981 66686 - CPU of the beast. 68 <-- You do me and I'll owe you one. 7 Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak.... 7-yr old child: "Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs." 7.62 X 39 FMJ...from Russia with Love. 750 messages a day and they call it .QWK?? 80% of men cheat in America, the rest in Europe. 80486 100Mhz. Don't you smell something burning? 8th Rule of Creationism: Never just read when you can misinterpret. 9 out of 10 men who try camels prefer women. 9 out of 10 rotweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses. 90% of PC problems are between the keyboard & the chair. 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 90% of the time I'm right; why worry about the other 3%? 93.4% of all statistics are made up. The rest are false. 98% of all constipated people don't give a shit! 99% of all guns have killed fewer people than Ted Kennedy. :-D Try tooth paste for a wider brighter smile. :.::: ::..: ::.::. :..:: This tag-line is in braille to read the next message Go ahead. Steal me. ? troffeeriuqertahtsenilgatetahuoytnoD A "PROGRAM" is used to turn data into error messages. A 10K brain attached to a 28.8 modem. A Blonde saw a sign that said WET CEMENT -- So she did. A Blonde with brain damage... Normal A Buddist nudist practices yoga bare! A Conservative government is an organized hypocrisy." -- Disraeli A GENERATION WHICH IGNORES HISTORY HAS NO PAST - AND NO FUTURE! A Happy Heart is like Good Medicine" A KGB keyboard has no key. A Pearl is a temple built by pain around a grain of sand. A Pentium is just a computer, but an XT is for life.... A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. A Tagline a day keeps viruses away! A Tagline is a terrible thing to waste. A Tagline is nothing without opportunity. A Woman is a two edged sword -- driven through your skull. A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him. A bachelor is a hunter that never Mrs. A bachelor is one who is footloose and fiance free. A bachelor never makes the same mistake once. A bad day BBSing is better than any good day working. A bad day at home is better than a good day at work. A bad workman always blames his fools... A baseball player can't do it if somebody else catches it A bear robbed of cubs is safer than the folly of fools. A big enough gun will adjust any attitude. A big enough hammer can usually fix anything. A bigot will not reason, a fool cannot, a slave dare not. A bird in the bush can't make a mess in your hand. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A bisexual Kiwi likes sheep and cattle. A blonde counts to two by taking off her shirt. A brain destroyed by religion is no match for reasoning humans. A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual. A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week. A cat is a terrible thing to waste, reheat the leftovers! A cat will assume the shape of its container. A cat will blink when the freezer door is opened. A cat's courage is as strong as a dog's chain. A chat with you, and death loses its sting! A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. A child prodigy knows not to bother with it. A choice is always possible, even if there's no options! A classic is a book highly praised yet never read. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clean hard drive is a sign of an accidental format. A clean, neat, desk is a sign of a sick mind. A clear conscience is most often a sign of a bad memory. A clever Tagline is a sign of a sick mind. A closed mind and a closed room are both somewhat stuffy . A closed mind is a wonderful thing to make fun of. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A computer does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer's attention span. As long as it's power cord A coward mistakes oppression for peace. A critic is a legless man who teaches running. A critic knows the way but can't drive the vehicle. A cure for apathy? Why bother? A cynic is an idealist who has finally learned the truth. A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the casket. A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? A dead parrot - Polygon! A deluge of words and not a drop of sense. A diploma only proves that you know how to find an answer A dirty book is seldom dusty A dirty mind is a wonderfully fun thing! A dog that weighs less than 10 pounds is NOT a dog. A double negative is a no-no." A drummer takes any woman he gets, but a guitarist can take his pick. A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering A family reunion is an effective form of birth control. A fate worse than death... MARRIED ALIVE!! A flying particle will seek the nearest eye. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. A fool and his freedom are soon parted. A fool and his money ............ drives a V8. A fool and his money are SYSOP material. A fool and his money are invited everywhere. A fool and his money are my best friends! A fool and his money are my two favorite people. A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money rarely get together to start with. A fool and his money... hey! Where's my wallet?! A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer. A fool hath no delight in understanding - Prov. 18:2 A fool must now and then be right by chance alone. A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration. A fool's bolt is soon shot. - Shakespeare A fool's born every minute, not counting the converts! A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. - Emerson A forty Watt bulb in a hundred Watt world. A friend is someone who knows you and still likes you. A gardener is just a handyman with a good sense of humus. A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable. A gentleman is a man who CAN play the accordian but doesn't. A girl a day keeps the ex-wife away. A girl a day keeps the wife away. A girl who is vision in moonlight, may be sight in sunlight! A good Christian does not think, a Good Christian obeys. -Billy Graham A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years. A good education should leave much to be desired. A good frame of mind... but no picture... A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it. A good organizer: one who is very careful to plan ahe A good pun is its own reword. A good scare is better than good advice. A good tagline is worth a 100 line message! A good tagline is worth a thousand words. A good tagline isn't stolen, it's resurrected! A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. - Louis Nizer A great many family trees were started by grafting. A gun is like a seatbelt; when you need it, you NEED it NOW. A halo has only to fall a few centimeters to become a noose. A handgun responds faster than 911 for crime problems. A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it. A horse goes freely to water, but a pencil must be lead A husband is a man who gave up priveleges he never knew he had. A husband is a man who is spouse-broken. A husband is a man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness. A husband is living proof that a women can take a joke A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge. A journey of 2000 miles will be routed through O'Hare. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A kind word & gun get more than just a kind word. Capone A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone. A knavish speech sleeps in a foolish ear. - Shakespeare A leader is best when people barely know that he exists. A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right. A liar isn't believed even when he speaks the truth. A lie is terminological inexactitude. A lie that can be passed off as truth becomes truth. A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. A little greed can get you lots of stuff. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanations A little knowledge fits nicely into a little brain !!! A little truth helps the lie go down. A long dispute means both parties are wrong. A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. A man can do anything his wife puts her mind to. A man is as good as he has to be, a woman as bad as she dares. A man is as young as the woman he feels! A man is not complete until he gets married. Then he is FINISHED. A man is only as old as the woman he feels. A man walked into a bar. "Ouch." A man who hates cats and children can't be all bad... A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame. A man with a gun is always allowed to speak his mind. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. A man's best friend is his dogma. A man, like music, should have a good end. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. A militia cannot be assembled from an unarmed populace. A mistake is proof that someone tried anyhow. A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience. A morning without coffee is like sleep. A mother pampering a child is raising a serpent. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. A mouse may be useful, but only for cat food. A myth is a young female moth. A narrow mind has a broad tongue... A new name for Political Correctness: Euphemasia. A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices. A nymphomaniac is a girl that can only count up to sex. A ounce of pretension = a pound of manure. A pair of boobs on my back always turns my stomach A path is laid one stone at a time A path without obstacles probably leads nowhere. A penny saved is a Congressional error. A penny saved is not worth very much. A penny saved is ridiculous. A person has a fundamental right to defend themselves! A person never tells you anything until contradicted. A person's got to know his limitations to avoid failure. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A pickle is a cucumber soured by a jarring experience. A pious man is one who would be an atheist if the king were. A point of view is a matter of perspective... A police state is a wonderful thing - if you're the police. A politician's generosity is only limited by your income. A problem can be found for almost every solution. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A propeller is just a fan to keep the pilot cool. A prune is a plum with experience. A quick wit and a quiet temper - why ask for more? A ream of proctologists. A room temperature IQ. A rooster clucks defiance -- but a lawyer.... A saved ZIP file is like sex. You can use it over and over! A seamstress tucks up frills. A trumpeter . . . A secretary becomes a permanent fixture when screwed on desk. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope." A self-made man? Yes- and worships his creator. A seminar on time-travel will be held two weeks ago A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing. A seven day honeymoon makes one weak. A short mini-skirt leaves a definitive end in view. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic... A single fact can spoil a good argument. A single fact seems to be one more than you have. A smile CAN make a day, but usually it takes money or sex A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight A social life? Where can I download THAT from? A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. A steal at only $5.95 + $19.00 S&H. A steamroller, is the sincerest form of flattery. A stiff neck usually supports an empty head. A stitch in time saves nine. A strong mind CAN overcome a public education. A sufficiently advanced god would use evolution. A sure-fire formula for living to be one hundred - keep breathing! A system that depends on human reliability is unreliable A tagline is a snippet of surreality. A tagline is merely a quotation without the quoter. A tagline says more about you than cash ever can! A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart. A thief believes that everybody steals. A thing worth doing well is worth doing slow. GypsyR Lee A thousand pardons..... A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on A virtuoso is a musician with really high morals A visionary lies to himself, a liar merely to others. A waist truly IS a terrible thing to mind. A well-crafted tagline is a joy forever. A wife is a woman who dresses to kill and cooks the same way. A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife forever. A will is a dead giveaway. A wise man changes his mind, a fool never. A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. A wok is what you fwow at a wabbit. A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. A woman must be a genius to create a good husband. A woman with PMS & ESP is a b*tch who knows it all. A womans place........ is in the wrong. A worthless wise man always charms the rabble. A yer ago I kudnt spel jeanyus now I are won. AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse AAcckk!! II''mm iinn hhaallff dduupplleexx ACOUSTIC: What you play pool with. ACRONYM: Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning AIDS: How God deals with promiscuity and fornication. ASCII -- What you need to start a donkey? ASCII and ye shall receive. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS... ASSAULT is a *behavior*, not a *device*. AT&MO&GETMAIL&READMAIL&REPLY&STEALTaglineS Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Ability will Never catch up with the Demand for It. Abort, Retry, Fail, Slam Fist on Desk? Abortion is something babies can live without. Above toilet roll: Please wash and replace after use. Absence and death are the same - only in death, there's no suffering. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Absess makes the fart go honda. Abstinance is the lazy man's birth control. Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation. Absurdity: a belief inconsistent with one's own. Access denied -- nah, nah, nah, na, nah, nah. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats. Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming. Actions from sanity are not necessarily from feeling. Actually it's not replying that takes time, it's choosing a Tagline. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. Adam & Eve Virus: It takes bytes out of your Apple. Adam & Eve were sugar farmers? Yes! They raised Cain. Adam to Eve: "Stand back, I dunno how big this thing gets." Adam to Eve:"I'll wear the plants in this family Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something. Adam...quit with tha ribbing, will ya ? Adamant ignorance beats rational logic every time. Addicted to BBSing? We can help! Just call our BBS Addicted to Thinking? Detoxify as a State employee. Adolesence: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adult .GIF files are meant for testing monitors!! Adult: One old enough to know better. Adult: Stopped growing at the ends, but not the middle. Adults are obsolete children Advanced technology:Indistinguishable from a rigged demo Advisor: The guy who told you how to screw up After God created woman, he atoned by creating beer..... After a Windows UAE:"OK?" Ok...I dont have a choice, do I After all is said and done, more is said than done... After the event, even a fool is wise. After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. Against logic there is no armor like ignorance... Age and treachery will usually overcome Youth and Skill. Age needn't necessarily be a bar to immaturity. Ah, 'tis better to be composed than to be decomposed. Ah, Mozart. He was happily married...but his wife wasn't. Aibohphobia (n.); the fear of palindromes. Aim to please. Shoot to Kill. Air Force jets don't crash any more. They have Ground Impaction Events. Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows. Air, Fire, Water, and Earth. Elementary, my dear Watson. Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any. Alcohol is the perfect solvent. It disolves your SEL Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got. Alimony: bounty after the mutiny. Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping Alimony: the high cost of leaving All Generalizations Are False, Generally! All I know is what I read in the Taglines. All I need is peace and quiet! Give me a piece and I'll be quiet! :) All I want for Christmas is Santa's list of naughty girls!!! All I'll say is that I feel sorry for my tapeworm. All Insanity Meter: ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ°° 90% All answers questioned here. All commercial jets have a black box. So do most blondes. All computers wait at the same speed. All extremists should be taken out and shot. All generalities, including this one, are usually false. All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here. All humans are born free and equal in dignity and rights. All in favor of losing their rights, please do nothing. All law is codified revenge. All mathochists suffer from calculust. All men are born equal. The tough job is to outgrow it. All my taglines are original... SOMEONE had to make them up All of the really good taglines are 1 character too lon All people smile in the same language. All pigs fed and ready to fly. J.Green 1993 All power corrupts, but we need electricity. All reality is aspect dependent. All right, so it's impossible. How long will it take? All rising to a great place is by a winding stair. All streams run to the sea, yet the sea never overflows. All stressed out, and no one to choke ... All sunshine, without a little rain, makes a desert. All taglines guaranteed to be random or your money back! All taglines suck. Mine do it exquisitely! All that glitters has a high refractive index. All that's needed for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. All that, and you want a fresh tagline too?? All the gun control we need was enacted in 1791! All the kookies are not in the jar. All the taglines contain messages - the good, the bad & the funny. All the world's a stage and I missed rehearsal! All things are difficult before they are easy All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. All things in moderation - including Moderation! All true wisdom is discovered in Taglines. All true wisdom is found in fortune cookies or taglines. All vanishing into a dark hole is by decreasing circles All who love liberty are enemies of the state. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All women have a touch of blonde-otherwise they'd be men! All you liberals care about is who's catering to your genitals. All you've ever licked in a fight is your wounds. All your future lies beneath your hat. All's fair in love and Tagline appropriation. All's fair in love and war till money comes along. Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. Alsations will eat anything. They love babies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Alt-H means never having to say "[G]oodbye" Always ask why, unless someone says LOOKOUT!!! Always be smarter than the people who hire you. Always consider the alternative before making a choice. Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. Always listen to experts. Hear the impossible then do it. Always look out for #1 and be careful not to step in #2. Always put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else. Always remember, to copy a disk is not to Xerox it. Always remove the last screw first. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. Always tell the truth, and be ready to run like hell! Always willing to give unwanted info, Alzheimers advantage: Hide own Easter eggs Am I a law-abiding gun owner? Depends, what's the law today? Am I bothered by obscene thoughts? No, I *enjoy* them! Amaze your friends - Run Wildcat under Windows! Amazing how mad some people get when someone makes them think. Amazing how much you learn after thinking you know it all. Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in coffee with both hands. America was created and preserved for 200 years by armed free men. America's Five Worst Words: "Dan, I Don't Feel Well." America's National Flower is the Concrete Cloverleaf. American Democracy: The best that money can buy. American justice = innocent until proven insane. Americans spend more money on cat food than baby food. Amiga Error #2 User reached puberty, unable to continue. Among economists, the real world is considered to be a special case. An Armed Citizenry *IS* the Militia. An Elephant: A mouse Built to Government Standards An Unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An example of why some animals eat their young. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An honest answer can get you a lot of trouble. An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it. An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion is always travelling the wrong way. An open mind is wonderful if matching mouth not included. An optimist invented an airplane; a pessimist a parachute. An optimist is someone without much experience... An optimist- Someone who hasn't been given all the facts. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. An ounce of example is worth a ton of advice. An udder failure: Cow that doesn't give milk. An unarmed society is a society that must live in fear of government! An unemployed court jester is no one's fool AnOrgasmADayMakesYouSmileAlot G.Moranec 1996 Anal retentive people don't give a crap. Anarchists do it revoltingly. Anarchy is better than no government at all. Anatomically correct beats politically correct any day! Anatomy is something everyone has that always looks better on a woman. Anatomy: Everyone has it, but it's better on a woman. And God said Rs = 2GM/(c^2), and there was dark! And God said, "NO, NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT!... And God said: E = «mvý - Zeý/r, and there was light! And I suppose you take disposable lighters in for repair? And all these wonders were destroyed to create Lucifer? And don't start sentences with a conjunction * And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail... And kicked the polar bear in the ice hole. And now, some words of wisdom: A wholesome mind is wasted potential And on the 8th Day God said, "Murphy, you're in charge." And on the eighth day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over." And the truth shall make you free, or at least reasonably priced. And then Adam said, "What's a headache?" And they say Blondes are dumb!!!!!! And this is the Tagline that wouldn't dye And we had to chisel taglines into the walls of the cave. And you spent how much to read these messages? And, pray tell, whose imagination are you a figment of? Anesthesiologists do it painlessly. Angels can fly since they take themselves lightly. Anger is a legitimate response to abuse. Anger not a Redhead, for thou would make a silly trophy on the wall. Annoy a "Fundie"... Tell the truth. Annoy a Christian: ask him which gods he prays to. Annoy a liberal: Ask them to be truthful. Annoy the opposition -- cite facts. Another bright, sunny day! (Above 40,000 feet) Another fine tagline, from the mind of a genius. Another good day; the computer is still working! Another good mind not yet ruined by higher education! Another pot of coffee down the programming hatch! Another sufferer of "Typorrhea." ?? Antique mirror stolen: police are looking into it Any certainty is a delusion. Any damned fool can predict the past. And most do. - Niven Any fool can become a Fidonet official, and many do !! Any fool can criticize, and most do. (Carnegie) Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do. Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will follow it. Any fool can tell the truth, it takes sense to lie well. Any good illness should be planned in advance. Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot. Any one can piss on the floor. Be someone, shit on the ceiling. Any religion that rejects coffee worships a false god. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any smarter and he could be a slug. Any socialism involves more slavery than democracy. Any stigma will do to beat a dogma Any twit can understand computers, and many do. Anybody can say they'll do something, few actualize it. Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry. Anybody wanna screw? |=/////////> Anybody who thinks I'm strange ought to meet you! Anyone can get lost in a fog, but you create your own. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. Anyone can make a mistake. A fool insists on repeating it. Anyone can walk on water, you just have to know where the rocks are. Anyone coming for my guns better be prepared to meet God. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like "Goofy"? Anything is possible.. If there is enough money in it Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I pry loose i Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. Anything preying on your mind would starve to death. Anything that can go wr ... # ^% Bus Error -- Core Dumped Anything worth saying is worth overgeneralizing. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Apathy - Indifference makes it spread Apathy Error: Don't Bother Striking Any Key Apl programmers do it in a line. Apple (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush. Appreciate your job: imagine yourself without it! Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins Archaeologists prefer older dates. Archaeologists will date any old thing. Are cats supposed to thump when you dry 'em in the dryer? Are dog biscuits made from collie flour? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Are semiconductors very short ticket collectors? Are taglines protected by look and feel, Lotus? Are taglines the footnotes of Reality? Are the taglines too long, or is the tagline-space to sh Are the voices in my head bothering you? Are those biscuits made with real Girl Guides? Are vampires neckrophiliacs? Are you Blonde or drunk? Are you being obtuse, or is it my tendency to obfuscate enough. Are you implying that I would Ever stoop to "Tagline Thievery"? Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up? Are you lying or just stupid? Are you part of the solution, or the precipitate? Are you using Windows, or is that just an XT? Aren't you glad your mother didn't have an abortion? Arguing with a Fundamentalist is like dueling with an unarmed man. Armed Citizenry: Ultimate Bulwark against Tyranny! Armed men are citizens. Unarmed men are subjects! Armed, dangerous.......and off my medication! Army food: The spoils of war. Art is I; Science is We. Articulation Inconsistencies: Politically Correct lying! Artificial Intelligence is better than none. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity Artificial Intelligence is theoretical..Natural Stupidity is real! Artificial Intelligence: Somebody else's opinion. Artists do it in the buff. As God say to the blonde? 'Play dumb until I get back. As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow. As King Arthur said: Some days it all seems so feudal. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. As for my data, why, it's in no dangeeeESEKr whatSoeVe-?! As long as price is king, garbage is the fare of the day. As meaningless experiences go, sex is one of the best! As soon as you realize I'm God, we'll get along fine. As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily. Ask every question. Question every answer. Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it Asphault = Proctologist's malpractice insurance Assumption is the mother of all screwups. Asãoneãgetsãolder,ãthingsãtendãtoãdroop! At 20000 feet, an airscrew is not always a propellor... At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day. At bottom God is nothing more than an exalted father. - Sigmund Freud At last I'm organized, he sighed, and died. At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year. At least a computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy. At least my 386 can *divide*! At night, I am a licensed cleavage inspector. At our last meeting I died. It alters the appearance. At the third stroke, you will be rather aroused! Atheism is a non-prophet organization Atheist problem #6: No one to talk to during sex. Athiesm is a non-prophet organization. Attempted suicide should be punishable by death. Attila the Nun: a girl pledged to a life of simple brutality. Attn. Govt. Text Scanners: COMMUNISM HACKING TERRORISM REVOLUTION Aural sex produces eargasms. Australian kiss: same as French, but down under. Australian software = Down Underware? Automatic: simply means it can't be fixed Automobile A device that runs up hills and down people. AvTech n. a plethora of loonies D Drummond 1994 Avoid Computer virus - practice safe HEX! Avoid Mailmen...............They Are Carriers. Avoid Messes: Cover the cat before microwaving. Avoid cliches like the plague! Avoid fruits and nuts - don't drink in a liberal gay bar! Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted ZIP code! Avoid polysyllabification. Avoid warnings: Add the moderator to your twit list! Awkward Age: the period lasting from birth until death. BAD Doggie! - Now drop the nice officer's arm. BARIUM: What you do when somebody dies BATF: Bastards Authorized to Take Freedoms BATF: Bureau of Assassins, Terrorists, and Felons BATF: Bureaucrats Are Terrified of Firearms BATF: Government sponsored gang activity. BBS addiction: A terminal disease, I have the ANSI strain BBSing's like sex, except for not wanting to get off. BE REALISTIC.............PLAN FOR A MIRACLE!| BIBLE - Tells of the miracles of God. SEED CATALOGUE - Proves them! BIOS: Bloody Idiotic Office Staff! BOZO n., Political term for the winner of an election.... BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding. Bach did it with his organ. Bachelors' wives and spinsters' children: always perfect. Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch! Back the metric system every inch of the way! Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Backup religiously--Pray you don't lose anything! Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria. Bacteria: The only culture some people have. Bad Command or Filename. Or maybe you screwed up. Bad Spellers of the World....Untie...! Bad day: "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)" Bad is never good until worse happens. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who don't vote. Bad officials: elected by good citizens who fail to vote. Bad waltzers are grasping at Strauss. Baffle them with bovine defecation. Bagpipe (n): ill wind that nobody blows good. Bagpipe - What other instrument do you use your elbow to play? Bagpipe: A VERY serious plumbing accident! Bagpipe: A flute built to government specifications. Bagpipes: Stuff cat under arm, pull legs, and chew tail. Bald spot? No -- solar panel for brain power Baldness: A solar panel for a sex machine. Bang the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows. Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it. Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). Bankers do it with interest. Baptists don't make love standing up. It's too close to dancing. Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails. Barium: What you do with dead chemists. Baroque: When you are out of Monet... Bathroom Menace: Man circumcised by a crossed-eyed Rabbi. Batman's not so smart. He wear his jocks on the outside! Battered women go well with tartar sauce and coleslaw! Be Alert....The world needs more Lerts. Be Brave! When you get to Death's door, act like an insurance salesman. Be Kind To Animals, Take A Bitch Out To Lunch. Be Nice to Your Enemies, You Made Them Be Politically Incorrect: Support the Constitution! Be a coffee-drinking individual...espresso yourself! Be a discerning pervert ... insist on GIF files! * Be careful of what you wish for: You may get it. Be careful when slinging mud, you might lose ground! Be different DON'T speak your mind! Be like Pooh...eat your honey. Be nice on your way up, you'll meet on the way down. Be nice to smokers . . . . they don't have long to live! Be patient ... Rome wasn't burnt in a day. Be spontaneous.......combust. Be thankful you don't get all the government you pay for. Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! Beatings shall continue until morale improves!!! Beautiful girls don't bother me...but I wish they WOULD! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Beauty is often in the thighs of the beholder. Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone. Beauty is only skin-deep, but some people should be skinned! Because the water is still, you must not think there is no crocodile. Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen. Been there! Done that! Stole the tagline! Been there...done that...got better ... Been through hell, eh? Great! What did you bring me? Beep! Invalid Input. I take only cash.... Beer bottles and blondes are both empty from the neck up. Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. - Einstein Before you louse something up, THIMK! Begin the greatest task in the world while it is still small. Behaviourism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. Beheading: The ultimate loss of face. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every good woman, there is a great behind. Behind every great loser...there is ALSO a woman... Behold! The end of the World was yesterday. Being a few logs short of a full load helps. Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind. Being bored is an insult to one's self. Being overweight just sort of snacks up on you. Belfry: The directory for .BAT files! Belief is the death of intelligence. Believe in a loving God, Infidel, or die! Believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've **seen** one.. Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. Believe what you want, but don't get mad when others yell "BULLSHIT!" Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings... Ben Franklin wasn't the ONLY one lightning got. Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way. Best audience: Intelligent, well-educated and drunk. Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it. Best file compression around! "DEL *.*" - 100% comp. Best thing to come out of Queensland..the New England Hwy Best way to appreciate a job: imagine yourself without it Bestiality: And they call it puppy love... Beta Test commencing... * * * * * * * * * ...Completed! Beta testers do it till it breaks. Better Taglines through confiscation. Better a coward for a minute than dead forever. Better an authentic atheist than a bogus god. Better not sit down: Brain damage is irreversable. Better taglines through confiscation. Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Better to have your head in the sand than up your ass! Better to know some of the questions than all the answers Beware of Dyslexia: It can warn without striking! Beware of Programmers carrying screwdrivers! Beware of anyone who won't be bothered with details Beware of geeks bearing GIFs. Beware of half-truths - you may have the wrong half. Beware of quantum ducks. Quark! Quark! Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts. Beware! I'm armed and have premenstrual tension. Big Blonde Daughter Available- Write if interested Big Brother is watching YOU. Are you watching BACK? Big brother is watching, listening, reading, taxing, and taking notes. Big nostrils? Look at your finger size! Bigamist - Italian for large fog.. Bigamy: One wife too many ... Monogamy: Same thing Bigger isn't necessarily better - take a look at Windows! Bigot? Racist? Fundamentalist? Love guns? The Republicans want YOU! Bill Grimsley lives in a quiet neighborhood, they all use silencer's Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by law. Bimbobble: A blonde playing catch. Bimbouy: A blonde in the water. Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. Bisexuality doubles your chances for a date. Black Talon: when you care enough to send the very best! Black clothes: Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture. Black holes are where God divided by zero. Black holes are where God ran out of paint. Blam! Blam! Click...Click... um... "Stop, Police!" Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault. Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life. Blaming the gun for murder is like blaming the typewriter for libel.. Blarney: official birthstone of the Taglines echo Blasphemy: When a religious person dares to think. Blended coffee... today's & yesterday's. Bless me father for I have SIMMed Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies. Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats. Blessed are the pessimists, for they hath made backups Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. Blessed be the pessimists, for they carry extra ammo! Blessed is he expecting nothing, and never disappointed. Blessings never come in pairs; misfortunes never alone. Blew a brain cell on that? 2 left. Blind hookers: You've really got to hand it to them! Blow your mind - snort Nitroglycerin.... Blue-shifted: The way to travel ... Bob is so old that his Social Security number is 4. Bob's Vet & Taxidermy: Either way you'll get your cat back! Boeing: The sound a plane makes when it hits the ground Boldly going forward because we just can't find reverse. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. Bored ? press ALT+0 or CTRL+2 from SLMR or OLX. Born Again? No thanks, It was hard enough the first time. Born a day late, and like that ever since. Born again people don't seem to get as much oxygen the second time.... Born again? Excuse me for getting it right the first time! Born crying, live complaining, die disappointed. Born ugly and losing ground ever since. Borrow money from a friend,but decide which you need more. Both test results are negative, your HIV and your IQ. Bother! said Pooh, as he put Spanish Fly in Christopher Robin's drink Bought a decaffeinated coffee table - you can't even see a difference. Bovine Feces! Bowlers do it with bigger balls, and a finger in each hole! Boy Scout treats: First, get 12 brownies real hot... Boy: Noise With Dirt On It. Boycott shampoo! Demand that you get REAL poo! Braille is a wonderful way to study anatomy. Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some. Brain on vacation, body on autopilot Brain, like muscle, works better if regularly exercised. Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think Brains by Oxford, Body by beer! Braise the Lord: 325 degrees, 1 hour; add veggies; simmer 'til tender. Breakfast in Paris, lunch in Greece, luggage in Japan? Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69. Bronwyn Bishop HAS one ... John Hewson IS one! * Brought to you by Conservative Republicans Against Progress (C.R.A.P.) Buddhist pizza order: Make me one with everything Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Buffers=20 Files=15 2nd down, 5 yards to go, 4th quarter. Bugger the tea, I'd rather a screw instead.BG 1994 Buggery - boring. Incest - relatively boring. Necrophilia - dead boring. Build a better mousetrap; catch better mice. Build a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Build a vast arena, then put a half-vast team therein. Build a watch in 179 easy steps. Bulldozer -.n One who sleeps through a political speech Bulldozer: One who can sleep through a campaign speech... Bullets don't kill people, bullet holes do. Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain. Bumper Sticker: Keep Honking......I'm RELOADING.... Bumpersticker: "I brake for tailgaters." Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies... Bureaucracy - transforming energy into solid waste. Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative. Burglars leave their right to life at the front door! Busier than a Mormon at a wife swapping party... But Honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine! But Honey, you NEED VGA for Dbase management! But I thought YOU did the backups... But do you trust the _government_ with semi-automatic assault rifles? But honey, we can too afford it. I sold your car. But mom, I don't like the cat." "Shutup and eat your dinner" But my assault rifle IS for sport! I use it for hunting fundies. But now the whiskey ain't workin' anymore But ossifer, I have no blood in my alcohol system! But, Your Honor, the light had dopplered to green. But... I'm not schizophrenic. It's this guy beside me! Buy American! Remington, Winchester, Colt, Springfield, S&W,,,, Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. Buy a double-clocked 486-50 and you can reboot faster. Buy stealth condoms! She'll never know you're coming! By God, for a moment there, it all made sense... By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty. By the time I have money to burn, my fire will be out. C Error #031: May I suggest delivering pizza? C++? Sounds like my school grades! C:\> The stick shift of computing. C:\> is a smiley with a shower cap and a broken nose. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL CA Driving: To Change lanes, first pull out your 9mm.. CALCULUS... the agony and dx/dt CAT (n.): 1. Furry keyboard cover. 2. Alarm clock. CAT SCAN: Lookin fer hookers. CAUTION Taglines may be hazardous to your disk space! CCITT- Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today CCITT: Coffee and Croisants Interspersed with Tech Trivia CHICKEN: Only animal eaten before birth & after death. CHaoS (N): MaSS CoNFuSioN; DiSoRDeR; AuSt GoVeRNMeNt CIA Motto : In God we trust. All others, we polygraph! CMOS: Commonly Misunderstood Option Switches COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. COBOL.....(C)ompiles (O)nly (B)ecause (O)f (L)uck COBOL: A prime example of artificial inelegance. COFFEE AND DONUTS: Unitarian communion. COFFEE.COM not found: A)dd more, R)eheat F)reak out. COFFEE.EXE missing - Insert cup and press any key. COMPUTER DEPARTMENT - mistake$ made whyle you waite. CONGRESS virus: overextends your Ram cache CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N) CONSCIENCE: keeps more people awake than coffee. CP/M isn't dead. It just smells a little funny sometimes CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART! California does have its faults. California foreplay: "Mom? Is dad asleep yet?" Call me back so I can hang up on you! Call the narcotics squad, 175 pounds of dope just walked in! Call waiting", great if you have two friends Calling me wrong does not make you right. Calm down. It's only ones and zeros. Camelot's roundest knight? Sir Cumference. Can I blame my spelling on Line Noise? Can I bring you to show and tell on Monday? Can I call you Ms. Dos? Can I help it if I was born irresistable. Can I yell "Science!" in a crowded religion conference? Can bankers count? Eight windows and only four tellers? Can you Handel music with a Baroquen instrument? Can you avoid hurting someones feelings without lying? Can you give up religion for Lent? Can you hear the bilabial fricative I'm sending you. Can't I love both your mind AND your hooters? Can't teach people to be lazy - they have it, or not! Canberra has the best politicians that money can buy! Cannot find REALITY.SYS . . . Universe halted. Capital Punishment means never having to say "you again?" Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Cappuchino is the dessert form of coffee. Careful not to let education get in the way of your learning.... Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge. Carpenters do it tongue-in-groove. Cashew? "Gesundheit!" Castration takes balls. Cat (n): small, four legged, fur-bearing extortionist. Cat (n): Fast, psychotic animal bred for target practice. Cat - small animal when defurred, resembles Chinese food Cat \kat'\ n. 1: A dog with an attitude problem. Cat for rent. Specialty: barking dogs surgically removed. Cat haters just resent never getting their pussy to come. Cat won't move? Try gasoline and a match. Cat's aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit! Cat-scan: a way to find your bird (or mouse). Cat: A small, furry beast resembling a meatloaf. Cat: Pit bull junk food. Catapult: (n) Large device for propelling cats over long distances. Catarrh: Stringed instrument. Catastrophe: An award for the cat with the nicest bum. Catastrophes to others are everyday events to you. Catholic (n.) A cat with a drinking problem. Catholic Church: Elderly celibates clueless about the real world. Cats Know Their Rights. Cats Make Great Footballs... If You Punt Them Right! Cats always land on their feet, but at 10 stories, it doesn't matter. Cats are OK .... As long as they've got two hulls. Cats are easy to understand... if you're a woman. Cats are good for just 2 things - mulch ... and ... I forget. Cats are hard on cars. When you chase them over curbs! Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function Cats are smarter than dogs. Eight cats won't pull a sled Cats do pay attention. Just plug them into the 240V line. Cats do pay attention. Just plug them into 240 volts. Cats remind us that not everything in life has a purpose Cats... the other white meat. Cats: Great for earmuffs, tiny throw rugs, and slippers. Cats: Nature's own pop-up targets! Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground. Celebrate your freedom: Read a banned book. Celibacy is not hereditary Censor: someone who knows more than he thinks you should. Censorship: The reaction of the ignorant to freedom. Centipede: An ant built to government specifications Cereal Killer Strikes Again! Cap'n Crunch found dead... Change is inevitable .. except from a vending machine. Change is the only constant in life. Change your mind. Or, at least, repair it! Charter member, QWKaholics anonymous. Chewing gum on sidewalk is always attracted by my shoes. Chicago is THE show stopper. If you run the show on it! Chihuahua: emergency backup dog. Childish Game: One at which your spouse beats you Children who eat crayons download in Technicolor. Children: the most common sexually transmitted disease. Chirpies: A canarial disease - No tweetment! Chocolate Moose: 1 medium size moose, 20 pounds chocolate. Chocolate chip cookies: hazardous waist products. Chocolate coat them words. You'll be eating them later. Chocolate, men, coffee - some things are better rich. Choral sex spreads a-choired immune deficiencies. Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. Christ loves and forgives. Why can't Christians? Christian education = A Nun with a whip. Christianity is not a religion, it's an industry. Christianity taught that love is worth more than intelligence. Christianity: Close mind, open mouth, insert foot. Christianity: Please help find the cure. Christianity: Three gods for the price of one. Christians are God's ambassadors, not His policemen. Christians don't have to think, just tithe. Christmas Chopin time...make a Liszt. Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe. Civilization: Biggest syntax error in history! Class warfare is foolish because the poor always lose. Classic Oxymoron: Frustrated MAC user! Classical music was written by famous dead foreigners. Classically speaking, all musicians end up baroque. Cleanliness is next to impossible. Click..Click..Click..darn, out of taglines! Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Coffee - A legal drug addiction with free refills! Coffee and cigarettes: The first two peripherals! Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. Coffee drinkers do it with shaky hands. Coffee flavored cigarettes...kill yourself twice as fast. Coffee in England is just toasted milk. Coffee is *not* supposed to be a *solid*. Coffee sweetened with NO-DOZ...Programmers petro! Coffee warmer: Place cup on Pentium, compute Pi. Coffee will be the urination of me. Coffee: The pharmacological basis of consciousness. Cogito ergo spud: I think therefore I yam. Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics. Collage: French institute of higher education. College: Where girls go for facts and guys go for figures. Colleges don't make fools; they only develop them Columbus Typing Method: Discover it and land on it. Comes from a long line of first cousins. Coming soon: Netware for Nintendo Committees do harm merely by existing. Common sense is in spite of, not as a result of education. Common sense is the least common of all senses. Common sense isn't really all that common. Communism: You have two cows. Government takes both, gives you the milk. Communists are gone, now FBI is burning all the communes! Complaints? Write them here legibly! [ ] <--- Completely fault-tolerant: Ignores all errors. Composed by exceptionally well organized line noise. Composers DO IT with a quill and a staff. Computer (com-pyoo-ter) n.-Incredibly fast idiot! Computer Hacker Wanted. Must have own axe. Computer Hacker: Have axe. Will travel. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. Computer SEX: Where software becomes hardware. Computer hackers do it all night long. Computer modelers simulate it first. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. Computer: Tea, earl gray, hot. In a cup this time. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors Computers also eliminate spare time. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Computers can never replace human stupidity. Computers don't make mistakes, but foolish people do. Computers eliminate spare time Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers: Vehicles for the Mind; They'll drive you nuts! Con is the opposite of Pro - i.e. Congress-Progress Con.tor'.tion.ist: A person who can play leapfrog alone Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking Condom poster child for 1994. Conference on Schizophrenia. I've half a mind to attend Confession-blame yourself Analysis-blame everyone else. Confidence, the feeling you had before you knew the problem... Confident manner is important: Computers can sense this Confirmation of the past is often the greatest surprise. Confucius say: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw Confucius says: "Man with flat chested woman have right to feel low." Confucius: Bachelor is man with no children to speak of. Confuse people--quote from the wrong message. Confusion: Two blind lesbians in a fish shop.. Congress fighting inflation = the Mafia fighting crime. Conservative Definition of Compassion: I got mine, Jack. Conservative Logic: Facing the problem = Condoning immorality. Conservative Republican households - where hate is a family value. Conservative faith: Any problem can be solved with enough punishment. Conservative idea #1: Make it illegal and it will go away. Conservative idea #2: Lengthening jail times will solve crime. Conservative idea #4: Reduce taxes on rich = trickle down prosperity. Conservative idea #6: AIDS isn't a problem for society-at-large. Conservative theory: Have the illiterate write to us for a free book. Conservative: Deficit? Cut school lunch funds! Conservative: One who prefers two men holding guns over holding hands Conservative: Too cowardly to fight & too fat to run Conserve water. Ban salted peanuts Conspiracy can never replace simple stupidity. Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth. Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions. Contrary to belief, the cat is not a domesticated animal! Contributes to the population problem. Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. -Nietzsche Cooking Echo friends are pan pals. Coprorefusalist - one who takes no shit. Corpus Delicti: Latin for `The corpse was delicious'. Correct me if I'm wrong... everyone else does. Correct me if I'm wrong... at your own risk. Corruption in brain....mark for deletion? Corse I can spell! Cant you see Im ryting the way I talk? Could Earth be some other planet's HELL? Could you repeat the part after "listen very carefully". Couldn't repair the brakes, so we made your horn louder. Country Music: the Special Olympics of music Courage is only courage if you are afraid Courage is your greatest present need. Cow: A machine that makes grass palatable for humans. Cranberries: grapes with hypertension. Cream rises to the top... so do dead fish. Creating taglines is an artform... stealing them is an obsession! Creation science: Shoot an arrow, then paint a target around it. Creationism: Snatching fantasy from the jaws of reality. Creationism: The belief that common sense is wrong. Creationism: Where faith is considered "evidence." Creationist Concrete: Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it. Creationist, eh? Are you going to misquote me now or later? Creationist, eh? Back to strong-arming schools boards again? Creationist, eh? Now we've got to find someone fluent in stupid. Credibility deficient. Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set Creditor: A man who has a longer memory than a debtor. Crime does not pay... as well as politics. Crime does not pay...as well as politics. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it! Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs... God, I love Parliament Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. Criminal lawyer. Isn't that redundant? Criminal: One who gets caught. Criminals LOVE gun control - makes their job safer. Criminals acquire guns illegally regardless...! Criminals and liberals want an unarmed populace. Coincidence or not? Criminals and tyrants want an unarmed populace. Cross a lawyer with a blonde? There are things even a blonde won't do. Cross between Country music and Rap music--CRAP! Cross your legs! We only have three nails. Cross-eyed teachers can't control their pupils. Crosscountry skiing is OK if you live in a small country Crossed a GIF viewer & PKZIP.... got postage stamps! Cruelty is the vice most natural to a dull mind. Crusoe got everything done by Friday. Can you? Ctl-C to trash FAT, any other key to trash Hard Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister! Cure for postal strikes: mail them their strike pay. Cured ham? No thanks. What if it has a relapse on my plate? Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with a 12 gauge. Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got him with the mower! Curiosity may kill the cat, but a 12 gauge is quicker! Current death rate: One per person. Cursor: What you become when your system crashes. Curve: the loveliest distance between two points. - Mae West Custom is the law of fools. - Vanburgh Cut my pizza into six pieces please. I can't eat eight. Cut your own firewood and it'll warm you twice. Cyclic Redundancy Check: Two locks on the same bicycle. Cynic -- an optimist who has been mugged by reality! Cynics - those who have benefitted from experience. DANGER DANGER Computer store ahead...hide wallet. DANGER! Do not read this conference while drinking coffee. DATA COMPRESSION: When you squish an android DEBATE: What you use to catch de fish. DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law. DEL *.* really improved my disk space. DESQview: The mailreader with a few extras thrown in DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young. DISCLAIMER: I really should not read mail before I have my coffee. DIVIDE AND CONQUER! Piece-by-piece, slowly and surreptitiously. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality. DO NOT DISTURB ... already disturbed. DOC's??? Oh, the stuff you wipe coffee up with.. DOC's??? Oh, you mean the stuff you wipe up coffee with? DON'T read the manual! Just WING that sucker! DOS 2w1c Beater test (-: just stirring :-) DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.0 DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse. DOS: DisOriented System DOS=HIGH Hmm, I knew it was on something... Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long. Daddy why are you swearing? Have you f**ked up again? Daddy, why isn't my magnet picking up this floppy disk? Daddy? What does "Formatting Non-Removable Disk" Mean? Dancers do it to music. Dancing: "A vertical manifestation of horizontal desire!" Darn it! I'm the wizened wonder, not the Windows wizard Dead? No, just electroencephalographically challenged. Death and taxes are both certain... but death isn't annual. Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast. Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number. Death is God's way of saying: >>NO CARRIER Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is natures way of saying its too late to slow down Death row is entirely too small and empty. Death to all fanatics! Death, taxes, Borland upgrade notices,... Death: to stop sinning suddenly. Death: The unfortunate side effect of attacking a cop. Decadence is its own reward. Decaffeinated coffee? What is the point? Decaffeinated coffee? But...why? Def. Pessimist - Optimist with Experience Defeat is worse than death since you have to live with it. Defeat organized crime, abolish the federal government! Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign & elected! Defend the Constitution, so it can defend you. Define "definition"! Definition of a prostitute: receiver of swollen goods. Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Tasmania do. Deja Booboo: The feeling you've screwed this up before. Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before Delete Windows? What fool INSTALLED it? Delete Windows? What fool INSTALLED it? Deli in Jerusalem: Cheeses of Nazareth. Delivery men do it at the rear entrance. Delta is the only airline with a frequent-survivor plan. Democracy cannot protect fools from themselves... Democracy is not a spectator sport... Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch. Democracy sucks! Why should I have to do what everybody else wants? Dentists do it orally. Design flaws travel in groups. Desperation is a highly emotional state of mind. Despite of the cost of living, it remains popular. DesqView 386: No Hourglass Needed! Detroit, Michigan - It is illegal to fall asleep in your bathtub. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Diarrhoea is hereditary, It runs in your jeans. Did God make you an asshole, or did you evolve? Did I just step on someone's toes again? Did IQs just drop sharply while I wasn't looking? Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion? Did you hear about the NZ porno film? "Sheep Throat" Did you receive a proper socialist education? Did you say you were *bored* again, christian? Didja ever stop to think... and forget to start again? Diet is die with a t added Diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it. Difference between a dog and a fox? About 6 beers... Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail. Difference between democracy & anarchy:- Responsibility Digital circuits are made from analog parts. Digital communications, it makes my digit hurt. Dinner: Dead animals and some stuff out of the ground. Dip Switch --> A lever you flip to turn off a nerd Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the nymphos! Diploma: Di man who fixes di pipes Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. Diplomacy: Putting the velvet glove over the iron fist. Diplomacy: Saying "nice doggie"...until you find a rock. Diplomacy: the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior. Direct all flames to my alternate account, dev.null. Dirty Old Men: Those who haven't quite given up women. Disaster is the only thing I can depend on.... Disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Disclaimer: I have no idea what I am talking about. Discount Christians: We save any soul for $29.95! Discover all unpredictable errors before they occur. Discoveries are made by not following instructions. Dishonest Person -- One who farts & blames the dog! Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Diskette:- Female companion for the disk....Oh! No!! Disliking the truth does not make it any less true. DisneyLand: a people trap operated by a mouse. Disproving evolution does not prove creation. Divorce Isn't the Answer. Shoot the Bitch. Do HD's sneeze when they catch a virus? Do I BELIEVE in the Bible?! HELL, man, I've SEEN one!!! Do Sexy Electrons have Current Affairs???? Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk? Do it now! There might be a law against it tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for one day. Do married women make the best wives? Do misbehaving witches get sent to the broom closet? Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? Do not anger cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. Do not answer fools according to their folly..." - Proverbs 26:4 Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps ! Do not disturb! Had enough trouble getting turbed in the first place. Do not disturb! I'm disturbed enough already. Do not disturb; I'm playing with my Mental Blocks... Do not follow in the footsteps of men of old; seek what they sought. Do obese women use cellulite telephones ?? * Do people who flame others have uncontrolled vowel movements? Do poofs use a twat filter? Do radioactive active cats have 18 half-lives? Do the words 'act of war' mean anything to you? Do the world a favor, pull your lips over your head and swallow! Do vegitarians eat animal crackers? Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Do witches run spell checkers? Do you argue with yourself, and LOSE? Do you have a license for that face? Do you know how to say 69 in Chinese? Toocanchew! Do you suppose incest is the reason we have fundamentalists? Do you think a Baker would hire a Loafer? Do you work hard at being a dork or were you born one? Do zipped files get embarassed when unzipped !! Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health. Doctors do it with patience. Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed. Documentation - The worst part of programming. Does "Bad FAT" mean disk has high cholesterol? Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? Does God play dice ? Yes, but they're loaded. Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Does a medical book have an appendix? Does a prostitute have whoregasms? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Does history record any case where a majority was right? Does it take an entomologist to recognize a computer bug? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Does the pontiff defecate in the Vatican? Does your cat fly by herself? No, I fling her. Does your mother know you're using her computer? Dog Catcher: Wealthy drunk at a singles bar. Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children. Dog have fur coats because they look silly in raincoats. Dogmas breed litters of stigmas. - Bryce Wilcox Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth. Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines. Dogs crawl under fences; software crawls under Windows. Doing my part to annoy the religious right.... Doing my part to piss off the religious right! Doing nothing is tiring, 'cause you can't take a break! Doing this should not cause a cras#@((((((____ C:>_ Dollars cannot buy yesterday. Domestic violence: good old Traditional Family Values.... Don't Confuse Stupidity with Ignorance. Don't appeal to my better nature; I don't have any. Don't ask me. The dog is in charge around here. Don't ask me. I've only got 2 balls and neither of them are crystal. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain... Don't be a pain in the neck. Someone may get a lower opinion of you. Don't be afraid of flying. Be afraid of crashing. Don't be conspicuous, it draws fire. Don't be humble. You're not that great. Don't be sexist ... the sheilas really hate it! * Don't be sexist... The babes hate it! Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out. Don't believe everything you say. Don't blame me! I just test the thing! Don't bother me now! I'm rounding off infinity! Don't burn our liberties to protect our symbols. Don't confuse Growing Up with Blending In! Don't do anything foolish! Or, if foolish, at least not without me. Don't drink and park--accidents make people! Don't edit reality for the sake of simplicity Don't elucidate, eschew obfuscatory interlocutions. Don't explain, Friends believe, Enemys don't. Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Don't get mad, get even Don't give Blondes coffee breaks, it takes too long to retrain them. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon. Don't hit me, Mr Moderator I'll go back on topic I swear! Don't judge a book by its movie. Don't judge a man only by the caliber of his gun. Don't laugh at the coffee. Some day you, too, may be old and weak. Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia. Don't let it fool you, it's written in BASIC. Don't let school interfere with your education. Don't let your mind wander.It's too little to be let out. Don't like my remarks? Note mistletoe on my shirt-tail. Don't listen to their foolishness - listen to mine! Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you! Don't lose your temper. No one else wants it! Don't marry a girl whose father calls her princess. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Don't mess with the knobs. I'm perfectly adjusted. Don't mind me...my dog's letting me use the computer! Don't overtax yourself.. that's the government's job ! Don't pick up that phonš9“œ NO CARRIER Don't play "stupid" with me....I invented it! Don't play "stupid" with me...I'm better at it ! Don't play stupid with me. I've been practicing. Don't question Authority. It doesn't know either! Don't quote me on that. !!!! Don't regret anything you may do tomorrow... Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour. Don't say during sex: Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Don't sell yourself short, your wisdom is worth 2 cents. Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things. Don't talk to me until I've had my second cup of coffee Don't talk unless you can improve the silence. Don't tell me how the clock works, just what time it is. Don't thank me for insulting you...it was my pleasure! Don't throw kisses unless the girl is a good catch. Don't trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns. Don't trust doctors, they once said you were sane. Don't try to scare an armed man. Success will get you a tombstone. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Don't use blood for invocations, you'll get hemogobblins. Don't use our trashcan, it's only for apples! Don't waste our mutual time with a reply Don't waste our mutual time with a reply Don't worry if it doesn't work, we can sell it to the Government Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo" Don't worry--I know my glamour is the sort that terrifies weaklings Don't you DARE cheer me up. I'm enjoying my depression. Don't you ever get tired of having yourself around? Don't you just hate it when they verbify nouns? Dont Drink Drive - detergent is bad for you Dont drink and drive home. Get stoned and fly home. Door: Something a cat wants to be on the other side of. Dope Ring: A Bunch of Blondes in a Circle. Dos 6. A $49 confirmation that you need REAL utilities Double your clock speed - Plug into 415 volts Doubt is not the opposite of faith, it is an element of faith. Doubt is the origin of truth. Know thyself. Doubt is the root of education, not faith. Dracula was a vein man.. Dracula was a vein man.. Dramamine: Where ram chips are mined. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Dreams are never in the places you expect them. Drilling for oil is boring. Drink Dihydrogen monoxide! Low calorie, low sodium! Drink till she's cute. Stop before you get married. Drive defensively -- buy a tank. Drive nail here [ ù ] for new monitor Drive no faster than your guardian angel can fly. Drive slower than your guardian angel can fly. Driver: software for everyone else's equipment Drivers' side air bag -- Mother In-law behind the wheel.. Drop your carrier...we have you surrounded! Drugs don't kill people. People kill people. Drugs, Sex, Crime ... God, I love politics. Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. Drunk: when you can't lie on the floor without holding on. Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc. Dumb blonde jokes - short so brunettes can remember them Dumb questions are better than smart mistakes! Dynamic linking error.Your mistake is now in every file. Dyslexia? What's lisdexia? E Pluribus Modem E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP! E=mcý? Very good, Albert. But next time, show your working. ENGINE: We're not clickin' on all cylinders here! ERROR: CPU not found ERROR: AUDIT.COM ... (A)bort, (R)etry, (K)iss ASCII goodbye? ERROR: LOOSE NUT BEHIND KEYBOARD ERROR: USER CORRUPT. TERMINATING. ERROR: this problem will only be solved by lots of money. ERRORS show up in the duplicate while the Boss reads it. Each one must walk one's own path. Each traveler to a tyranny sees what his own ethics permit him to see. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Don't Get Sucked Into Jet Engines Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing. Earth Leakage? Is that like Rising Damp? Easter has been cancelled; they found the body. Easy Street is a blind alley. Eat Healthy, Exercise, and Die Anyway ... Eat yogurt and get cultured EchoChat - Of, By and For the Participants * Economists don't create wealth. Ecstasy is "Happiness" with its clothes off. Ed's Radiator Shop: The best place in town to take a leak Edit,Save,Exit,Compile,Link,Run, "SHIT", Ctrl+Alt+Del Editing is a rewording activity. Edlin! When MS wrote quality software. ah, the memories! Educate men without religion and you make them but clever devils. Educate to elevate. Educate, Not Legislate! Free Will and Informed People! Education and intelligence are not the same !! Education cannot be substituted for intelligence. Education is NOT the responsibility of the state. Education is the best defense against the media. (and government) Education is the progressive discovery of ignorance. Education means developing the mind, not stuffing the memory Edward Scissorhands has jock itch! Effective Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness." Egotism is obesity of the head. Either my watch has stopped or I'm in deep trouble. Ekimos use 80 words for snow, 17 for a fixed-rate mortgage. Elected officials are hired temps, WE THE PEOPLE rule! Electric chair choices: Regular or Extra Crispy? Electrician. A switch doctor. Electricians get into other peoples' shorts!!! Electricity was invented by rubbing cats Electrons: What goes around comes around. Eliminate Waste: Shoot an elected official today! Encryption: Encoding technique used in Computer Manuals. Encyclopedia for sale. Not needed. Wife knows EVERYTHING! End Deficit Spending: Fire Congress & Start Over. Endangered list: Morals, Family Values, Telling the Truth Endless love:Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis Engineers do it by calculation and design. Enquiring minds want to know Enslavement is like old age, it creeps up on you. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Entropy isn't what it used to be. Epistle: What apostles are always firing off. Equal opportunity heretic, at your service. Equality of the sexes leaves women standing on buses. Error finding COLDBEER.CAN Sysop not loaded! Error loading KEATING.LIE. Unable to recover COUNTRY.AUS Error locating MAFIA.EXE - program not executed. Error propagates faster than truth. Error reading FAT Table...Try Skinny one ? (Y/N) Error! File ORG.ASM not found, girlfriend not happy! Error:015 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. Estimated Backup says How Many Disks? Eternity is a terrible thought...Where will it all end. Eternity is the time between you coming and her leaving Eternity? Straight ahead, turn left at infinity. Ethernet: A device for catching the Ether Bunny. Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology. Evangelists do more than lay people Eveedence? We don't need no steenking eveedence. Even Murphys' Law doesn't always work! Even a blind pig stumbles across an acorn now and again. Even a small star shines brightly in the dark Even a stopped clock is right twice a day! Even if you beat it, you can't teach a cat to bark. Even if you understood women - you'd never believe it! Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat Even sliced VERY thin, baloney is never corned beef. Even the Moderator can be right once in a while, but not in AVTech. Even the lion has to protect himself against flies. Even when you're running the world, you can't get off. Even worse than raining cats & dogs is hailing taxi's. Eventually, I hope I'll learn to face death - if I live long enough. Ever hear of an armed robbery at a gun show? Ever meet a Sysop who would admit the problem was his? Ever notice how Christians think freedom of religion is only for them? Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every day is starting to look like Monday ... Every exit is an entrance into something else. Every family tree has its sap! Every loose nut eventually rolls out to California Every minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Every person constructs their own bed of nails. Every person you meet knows something you don't. Learn. Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Every solution breeds new problems. Every time I have answers, someone changes questions. Every valuable idea offends someone. Everybody in favor of abortion has already been born Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects Everybody should believe something - I believe I'll have more coffee. Everyone has a photgraphic memory. Some don't have film Everyone has a right to be ugly. Some abuse the privilege Everyone has a scheme that will work sometimes. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone is a genius at least once a year. Everyone is gifted...some just open the package sooner. Everyone is of some use, if only to set a bad example Everyone is of some use. Yours is to set a bad example!ÿ Everyone makes mistakes, if not we'd all be single! Everything "free" costs someone! Everything put together falls apart. Everytime I make my mark somebody paints the wall. Evolution doesn't take prisoners. Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades! Evolution: God's way of issuing upgrades. Ex-Lax: The chocolate candy that gives you that get up and go feeling. Exactly what KIND of Water Music did you have in mind? - Handel Exactness is the Sublimity of fools. (Fontenelle) Excellent time to become a missing person. Excrement occurs. Excuse me for butting in. But, I'm interrupt-driven. Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too. Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue! Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower. Exercise is anything that makes you breath hard. Exercise your right to arm and keep bears! Exercise your right to kepp and bear arms! Exhibitionists love Windows. Expect the quest to break your heart at least once. Expectation: primary factor for disappointment. Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. Experience is a good teacher; but very expensive. Experience is a school where a man learns what a big fool he's been. Experience is directly proportional to mistakes. Experience is finding mistakes you make again Experience is knowing a lot of things you shouldn't do again. Experience is proportional to the amount of gear ruined Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted. Experience.n: What you get when you were expecting something else. Experience: The NAME people give to their MISTAKES! * Experience: what u get when you don't get what you wanted. Experience: you only get it just after you need it. Expert: ex=a has-been. spert=a drip under pressure Explain anti-clockwise to someone with a digital watch! Explosion at sperm bank; nurses overcome. Explosive Ordnance Disposal: If you see me running, CATCH UP!!! F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! FAITH: Where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located. FBI: Female Body Inspector. FILE ALLOCATION TABLE BAD: One leg fell off FINE = Tax for doing wrong. TAX = Fine for doing fine. FLUSH the incumbents, restore citizen government. FOOLPROOF OPERATION [Translation Ä No provision for adjustments] FOOLPROOF?? gimme USER-proof & I'll buy it!!! FOR SALE: Girls bicycle seats, $10 new, $50 used. FUNGI: The life of the party. Factor analysts rotate their principal components. Facts Are Stupid Things -- Ronald Reagan Facts don't dissapear because they are ignored Failed democracies VOTE themselves into tyranny. Faith is powerful, but only when accompanied by enlightenment. Familiarity breeds children. Family values: a euphemism for theological fascism Famous Last Words: Let's not worry about that now Famous Last Words: "That can't happen here!" Fanatic: Marching to the beat of a dead horse. Fatal error using mouse. Please bury/replace. Fate: Protects fools, little children, and echo Moderators. Fatigue IS NOT an indicator of success Fear a government that fears your gun. Fear of crowded holiday shopping: Santa Claustrophobia. Fear of government is the second step to wisdom. Feed dope to seagulls - leave no tern unstoned. Feel Lucky?????? Update your software.. Feeling Good?........Don't worry you'll get over it. Feeling compressed, ARJ you? Feeling lucky ?? Update your software! Try OLX 3.0 :-) Feline Thermodynamics: All heat in any given room flows to the cat. Felons can't vote: they might elect dishonest Congressmen Females have PMS, I have SRH (sperm retention headaches). Feminism is the radical notion that women are people too. Feminism was created so ugly women could mix with others Ferrets: the Chaos theory given fur, claws, and a slight odor... Few of us can stand prosperity -- someone else's. Few things are painful as the truth realized too late. Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography. Fight Crime: Don't dial 911, shoot back!! Fight air pollution! STOP BREATHING! Fight crime -- shoot back! Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity. Figure skating is better than chocolate! Figures don't lie, but fundies do for their own agenda. File Not Found. Backup Not Found. Sure you don't want a drink? File not found-I'll load something I think is interesting File not found. Remain blunt File not found. Starting up power-drill. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Files expand to fill all available disk space. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Fine print never contains good news. Fired from McDonald's for short attention-span. Fireproof: The boss's relatives. First Amendment Rights: Use them or lose them. First cross the river...THEN insult the alligator. First get all the facts........then panic!! First law of nature: Eat, or Be Eaten. First the mind goes, but I don't remember what goes next. First things first, not necessarily in that order.... Fishing in the tub & Sex for one: You never catch anything! Fishing rod: A hook at one end, a fool at the other. Fishing rod: a hook at one end, a fool at the other. Flat cats are good for filling potholes. Floating Point: Maximum amount of coffee consumable at one sitting. Flow Chart: A graphic of the fastest route to the coffee machine. Flowers: A gift bought by a friend who ate the chocolate. Fly Heisenberg Air! Dunno where we are, but we're making good time. Flying is not inherently dangerous. Crashing is. Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing! Fobia: Fear of misspelled words Focus on your purpose .(Samurai Advice) Folks who have no vices have few virtues. Foolish fears drive away good fortune. Fools are certain, but wise men hesitate. Fools belittle what they do not understand. Cynics belittle all else. Fools rush in where fools have been before. For PROOF of Government censorship, call 1-800-###-####. For Sale! One used sysop with RSI & a headache! For Sale. 1 owner UFO! Only 27k light years on clock For Sale: Dehydrated HýO - $14 per quart For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. For a good knight call Lancelot (1-900-CAMELOT) For adult education, nothing beats children. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. For every action there's an equal & opposite govt program For every inch that is not a fool is rogue. - Dryden For every problem there is a solution that is neat, simple and wrong. For every simple problem there's a complex Govt solution. For every vision, there's an equal and opposite revision For many, the declension of life is: I go, you go, ego. For once I'm at a loss for words. Mark down the date! For people who like peace and quiet: A Phoneless Cord! For sale: Hourglass for timing Windows. For telephonic breast exam: Press 1...now press the other... Forensic Scientists always know who's been there! Forget 0 to 60. It's 85 down to 55 that counts! Forget Gun Control, I Want *CRIMINAL CONTROL*. Forget RTFM - Call The Author At Home! Forget your mistakes, but remember what they taught you. Forgetfulness is a form of freedom. Forgive us for shooting those who trespass against us. Forgive your enemies, but remember their NAME! Format all 10? Only 3 fit in the slot! Forr sAle - Spelchekker - Needs sume werk Forsake the foolish and live. - Proverbs 9:6 Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them. Found God? If no one claims him in 30 days He's yours! Found the solution... Now, where did I put that problem! Fountain of Youth - Chocolate and Young Men! Teddy 1996 Four Boxes keep us free: Jury, Ballot, Soap, Cartrige! Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, Microwavable. Four main food groups:Fast, Frozen, Instant & Microwave. Fractals - an excellent way to use up surplus mips Fred Hollows had a neat name for tv: the "cretinizer" Free Men Do Not Plead, They Claim, Expect, Assert, Or Demand! Free OS/2! Best use I could find; coaster for coffee mug. Free guitar lessons, no strings attached. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms. Free speech costs more. Free speech is not a euphemism for bad manners. Free speech: Your right to be a bonehead in public Freedom OF choice, not freedom FROM choice! Freedom OF religion includes freedom FROM religion. Freedom defined is freedom denied. Freedom doesn't always win. Freedom is a hard-bought thing... a gift no man can give. Freedom is doing what you like, happiness liking what you do. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose... Freedom is just chaos with better lighting. Freedom is my mistress, as frivolous as she may be. Freedom is not free! Freedom isn't a right, it's a state of mind. Freedom isn't cheap and it never goes on sale. Freedom of Speech means letting those who are wrong speak anyway. Freedom of movement and choice produced the human spirit. Freedom of religion includes the freedom to laugh at it! Freedom of the press belongs to the owner of the press. Freedom of the press is guaranteed to those who own one. Freedom of thought implies the freedom to communicate those thoughts. Freedom: You don't notice it till AFTER it's gone! Freefall Sex: Brings new meaning to the term "Flights of Fancy" Friction can be a drag sometimes. Friend: Anyone who has the same enemies you have. Friendly fire - ISN'T ! Friendly fire ain't. Friends Come And Go, But Relatives Never Leave... Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies! Frogs are smart... they EAT what bugs them. From The Department of Duplicates Office (DODO). From listening comes wisdom, from speaking, repentance. From now on I think for myself! Is that okay, dear? From the Church Of Logic, Sin And Love... From the Department of Redundancy Dept. Full throttle, dry tank. Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind. Fundamentalism:Fund=give cash; amentalism=without brains. Funny... I don't recall asking for your opinion. GANGRENE -n. The favorite color of a band of hoodlum. GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. GIRLS WANTED: No experience necessary. GUI is sort of like "icky". GUI=[G]enerally [U]seless [I]nterface GUN CONTROL: Use two hands, aim carefully, hit target! GUN(n): the perfect solution to that cat-box odor problem Game of chance? Not the way I play it, no. - WC Fields Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Gee, I love your approach. Lets see your departure. Genealogy - where you confuse the dead and irritate the living. General Rule #6: It's better to not be where the news is. General stupidity error reading drive C: Generosity is giving more than you can, pride is taking less than you need. Genetic engineering: heir styling. Genitalia is NOT an Italian airline! * Genius is perseverence in disguise. Genius: One who can do anything except earn a living. Gentleman: A man who can play the accordion but doesn't. George Armstrong Custer - inventor of the Arrow shirt! Get A Computer Condom and Stop Viruses! Get OS/2 2.0 - the best Windows tip around! Get OS/2 V2 on your system before the other 16 bits rust Get a mitt! Catch a clue! Get a taste of religion ... eat a nun! Get a taste of religion. Bite a preacher. Get a taste of religion. Eat a missionary. Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up. Get everyone's attention... make a mistake! Get me some coffee and ask me again in ten minutes. Get off the subject of Wive's, 'cos I just got off yours Get on the plane? Screw that, I'm getting IN the plane! Get that bloody cat off my keyboarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd! Get the facts first - you can distort them later ! Get thee behind me Satan! You push and I'll steer. Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out. Get your mind out of the gutter! Also pick mine up please. Girl laid in tomb soon become mummy. Girl trouble? Those words automatically go together!!!. Give a bureaucrat an idea - they'll find a way to tax it! Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler. Give a woman only an inch and she'll divorce you. Give me liberty, not equality Give up smoking? That's easy, I've done it lots of times... Give your cats exercise - throw them in front of a dog. Given an open book exam, you'd forget the book. Gnaw the bone which has fallen to thy lot. Go Armed, Go Safe. Go ahead and look at the docs, I'll watch the nurses. Go ahead...say something...amuse your friends...both of 'em... Go and stick this where the sun don't shine ***(-------- Go away! I'm working out the Mandlebrot set in my head. Go on, you seem to like babbling to yourself. God I can stand; it's the fan club that I hate. God created Adam first so he'd have a chance to talk. God created cats so that men could learn to understand women. God created man. Samuel Colt made 'em equal. God created the ingtegers. The rest is the work of man. God created women 'cause sheep can't cook. God dislikes money. Look who he gives it to. God gave us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends. God heals, but someone else always wants a fee. God invented safe sex...... It's called Marriage God is REAL unless declared as an INTEGER God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.-Voltaire God is alive, and working on a less ambitious project. God is love. Love is blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is God. God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. God loves Hippies. Just look at the strength he gave Sams God made men and women, but a GUN makes them equal. God made whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world? God must be female,a male God wont put testicles outside God must love stupid people. He made so many of them. God needs immortality to vindicate his ways to man. W. Somerset, Maugham God protects fools, which is why I am doing so well... God save us from those who want to save us from ourselves. God told me it's none of your business - Jimmy Swaggart God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts... God's existence will be proven when adequate funding is provided. God: What one human uses to persecute another. God? I'm no god. God has mercy. Going out of your mind? Pack light; it's a short trip! Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Gold medalist, freestyle conclusion-jumping event. Golden Rule: she who has the gold makes the rules. Gone crazy, be back later, please leave message Good Enough is the death knell of progress. Good Enough.... is the death knell of progress. Good Hex is safe Hex. Good die young? I must be immortal.... <> Good fortune at times seems to favor the stupid. Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go EVERYwhere. Good girls keep diaries, bad girls have no time. Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed Good people must die, but death cannot kill memories. Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. Good sex means being told: "Stop and I'll kill you!!!" Got a pizza for my girl - good swap. Got arrested for going 14400 in a 2400 zone. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Government - the only vessel that leaks from the top. Government Tagline. Takes up space, no known function. Government Waste: any money not spent in your own district. Government aid, is like the robber not taking ALL of your money. Government at it's best is a necessary evil. - Paine Government can't SOLVE the problem - it IS the problem!!! Government can't solve problems;it institutionalizes them! Government has its role-It must know when to step aside. Government is like a septic tank. The big chunks rise to the top. Government is your servant. Don't let it be your master. Government isn't the answer...government is the problem! Government that governs least governs best! Government: The only known vessel that leaks from the top Government: a dangerous servant and a fearful master - G. Washington Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down! Gravity isn't my fault - I voted for 'velcro'--- Grease Monkey : Anti-friction applications technician. Grease spot on the driveway of life. Great compassion is the root of all forms of worship. Great minds discuss ideas, small ones, people..... Great minds travel in the same sewers! Great sex is like a sore dick, you can't beat either! Great sex is wonderful! (Bad sex isn't too bad either.) Greet Jehovah Witnesses with a cheery "Satan is Lord." Greetings from Hell ... wish you were here. Grelb's Reminder: If it was bad, it'll be back. Grow your own dope. Plant a fundie! Grow your own dope...plant a politician. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Growing up was never easy - but growing down is harder still! Gun Control - All criminals support it!!! Gun Control = Job Safety For The Criminal. Gun Control = Victim Disarmament! Gun Control is being able to hit your target. Gun Control: A lame excuse for criminal control. Gun Control: Breathe, Relax, Aim, Sight, and Squeeze Gun Control: Eyes open, mouth shut, safety off. Gun Control: Those who have the guns have the control! Gun Control? Well tranquilisers help keep your hand steady. Gun Owners are Citizens. All Others are Subjects. Gun bans work! Just look how safe New York City is! Gun bans work! Just look how safe Washington, DC is! Gun control is a steady, two-handed grip. Gun control is hitting what you aim at. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control. Gun control is not crime control. Gun control makes everyone criminals. Gun control protects criminals from work related injuries! Gun control treats the symptom, not the disease. Gun control works! Ask Schindler's Jews..... Gun control: keep the muzzle pointed at the target. Gun fighting Rule #1 - You must have a gun! Gun owners are citizens. All others are subjects. Gun owners are the Jews of the 90's in a fascist America. Gunfighting Rule #1 - You must have a gun. Guns & parachutes. When you need one, you _NEED_ one !! Guns Didn't Make America Unsafe - Congress Did! Guns are not evil, people are. Guns cause crime like cameras cause pornography! Guns cause crime like pencils cause misspelled words! Guns cause crime like seat belts cause accidents. Guns cause crime like wet streets cause rain. Guns don't cause crime any more than flies cause garbage. Guns don't kill people, kinetic energy does. Let's ban it! Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns don't kill people; massive tissue trauma does. Guns don't kill. Psychotic people with guns kill people. Guns don't murder people, criminals murder people. Guns equal power. And the government wants all the guns. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians. Guts: Adding SYSOP to your twit filter Guys! Can't live with them - can't shoot them! H y! Wh r th h ll did my " " k y go ?? * HEARSE: [n] Death's baby-carriage. HELL (n): Backing up a 600 meg drive with 360K floppies. HEY! Who's the ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ who censored my ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ post? HOME: Clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that ancients catalogued under many headings. Hackers do it without you even knowing it. Had a shockproof, waterproof, heatproof watch. I lost it! Hahahahahehehehe... Windoze 95 = Amiga 85 Hair is the only thing that prevents baldness Half a loaf is surely much better than no vacation at all Halloween: A pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Assoc. Ham on rye: Drunk radio operator Hand me the toilet paper... I have to Keating. Hand-me-downs - the first sharewear. Handwritten on a condom machine; 'This gum tastes funny' Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get. Hang up your logic over there. Happiness is being left comatose by your lovers... Happiness is seeing your enemy with his genitals on fire! Happiness is wanting what you have. Happiness is your favorite program moving to Windows Happy couple: A deaf husband and a blind wife. Harass... Is that one word or two? Hard DISK? Gee lady, I misunderstood you. Hardware hackers do it on a bus. Hardware hackers do it with male connectors. Hardware: The part you kick. Has anyone seen Mike Hunt? Has anyone seen my sanity? Has both oars in the water on the same side of the boat! Has this seat been saved ? No, but we are praying for it. Have I found God? What, did you lose him AGAIN? Have You Seen Quasimodo - I Have A Hunch He's Back Have a BUZZ ! Stick a blowfly up your bum !! Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans. Have a nice day... somewhere else. Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy. Have keyboard...will babble. Have you crashed Windows today? If not, it wont be long. Have you drug tested YOUR Legislators today? Have you ever modeled for Halloween masks? Have you ever wished you could download a pizza? Have you noticed that no one talks about Pavlov's cat? Having trouble with Windows? Call 1-800-PIGWARE Hawaii shorts: What a wallet has after a vacation there. He agreed with the sign, "Fine for parking." He has a room-temperature I.Q. He is a deeply superficial person. He is almost a statesman. He lies well. He is so slow he has to speed up to stop. He knows not but he knows not he knows not: he is a fool, shun him. He lost his mind when a butterfly kicked him in the head. He loves his dog. The dog wishes he wouldn't do that. He says a thousand pleasant things, but never Adieu. He still believes in the Tooth Fairy, too. He studies hard for blood tests. He views his next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. He was a bold man that first ate an oyster. He was the kid next door's imaginary friend. He who boasts of an open mind may only have a vacant one. He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. He who fart in church, sit in pew He who fishes in other man's well, often catches crabs. He who gives up freedom to gain security deserves neither. He who hesitates is probably right. He who hesitates is reloading. He who laughs last probably made a backup. He who lives by the sword dies by the crossbow bolt. He who loves government has never been on the wrong side of it. He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool. He who steals my TagLines is seriously lacking in taste! He's YOUR God, they're YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell! He's a natural blonde, so please speak slowly. He's a real big gun - of small caliber and immense bore. He's electroencephalographically challenged. He's nobody's fool. He's a freelancer. He's not dead. He's just terminally inconvenienced. He's so conservative his plane doesn't have a left wing. He's swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. He's twelve cookies short of a dozen.... Health Care Reform is nothing more than government control. Health food is something you nag your spouse to death to eat. Healthy Trekkies work out at the He's Dead Gym. Healthy..the slowest rate at which one can die! Hear about the cannibal who ordered everybody on his pizza? Hear about the two maggots making love in Dead Ernest? Hear you've been sick. If I were you I'd be sick, too! Hearing-AIDS. Comes from listening to arseholes ! Heinz does it with great relish. Heisenberg may have been here. Helicopter pilots do it with auto rotation. Helicopters are merely 500,000 parts flying in formation. Hell knows no fury like a pissed off Sysop. Hell's Band: Only Banjos, Bagpipes, and Accordions allowed. Hello, I am part number ³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³ Hello, front desk? Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here. Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! Help the Humour Impaired learn to recognize sarcasm Help you out? Certainly! Which way did you come in? Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! Help! I've tripped and I can't come down! Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire! Her sweater was so tight the men could hardly breathe. Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. Here I sit, in a tizzy; all my favorite boards are busy. Here Lies Madonna. Necrophiliacs Welcome. Here's what's really good about Windows 95: It sucks less! Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! Heredity: If your parents had no kids, you won't either. Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought. Hermit - a deserter from the army of humanity Hex Dump - Where Witches put used Curses? Hey ..... who took the cork off my lunch? Hey fundie! Why can't your mind be as open as your mouth always is. Hey! Your Trakball is upside down! Hey! Don't pick up that Dog! !@#$*!?^% NO TERRIER Hey! Don't pick up that phoûíôñ™ž­Ì‘#* Hey, *we* care. Now get off the &*^@#! line! Hey, get your BUS off my DRIVE or I'll RAM you! Hey....C:\WINDOWS> del *.* I feel MUCH better now! Hi ! My name is Rover, I'll paint your car yellow free. Hi! I'm bored, heavily armed, and have a Bible. Hi, I'm Chip. Micro Chip. Eight-o-three-eighty-six! Hi, my name is Annie Key. Please don't hit me! Hi, this is my girlfriend. Why are you laughing? B Lawrence 1996 Hick: Looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. High Speed Modems are Slow to Set up !! High message: 943432. Message you last read: 59. Hind sight is better depending on whose hind. Hindsight is an exact science. Hire a teenager while they still know it all. Hire a teenager, while they know everythink... Hire the handicapped - give a Fundamentalist a job. His beard grows faster on a full moon.. Wonder why??? His head whistles in a crosswind. His parents threw out the baby and kept the bathwater. Histology: Scientific study of snakes, cats & leaky tires. History ... an illusion created by the passage of time * History Repeats Itself Because Nobody Listens History is a lie commonly agreed upon. - Neitzche History repeats itself because nobody listens. Hitler: 6,000,000; Stalin: 25,000,000; Christianity: 50,000,000 Hmm ... the above paragraph fails all intelligence scans. Hmmm, the fence must still be down over at the funny farm. Hmmm... What's this red button fo|+>#++ Hollow chocolate has no calories. D Altoff 1996 Hollow points: When you care enough to send the very best. Hollowpoints: When you care enough to send the very best! Home Safety Tip For Men #1: Don't iron naked. Home is where you can scratch any place it itches! Honest Officer! That cat was on fire when I got here. Honest Politician: One who stays bought. Honestly, Doctor...this hand came out of the monitor.. Honesty is good policy but bad for your career... Honesty: Fear of being caught. Honey, the good news is...the air bag works! Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing. Honeymoon: The time between "I do" and "You'd better!" Honk if you like obscene gestures! Hoop earrings: Ankle rests. Hope the term "Politically Correct" is *DEAD* before this decade is! Horn not working. Watch for finger! Hospital: workshop for faulty humans. Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up. Housework done properly can kill you! How can I be ignorant of something I didn't know ? How can I be out of money if I still have these checks? How can I miss you if you won't go away? How can I prove I'm not crazy to people who are? How can I prove my sanity to people who have none? How can anyone flunk sex education? How can you tell the dance from the dancer? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How did I get round from eating square meals? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"? How do they get the koalas to cross at that yellow road sign? How do women get mink? The same way mink get mink. How do ya castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin How do you get all that smoke into such a small component How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it! How do you get two Viola players to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you know it's summer in Tassie. The rain's warmer How do you light up a blonde's eyes? Shine a flashlight in their ear. How do you make a cat fly? Nail it to the front of a 747. How do you make a hormone? Put sawdust in the Vaseline! How do you paralyse a woman from the waist down? Marry her! How do you pronounce my name? With reverence!! How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders? How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog... How does that saying about eagles and turkeys go? How fitting that the Bible refers to Christians as sheep.... How immense appear the sins we have not yet committed. How long before we're as dumb as computers? How many fond fools serve mad taglines! - Tagspeare How many lawyer jokes are there? One. The rest are true. How many pricks does a porcupine have ?? Just the one. How many times do you need to be tolled anyway? How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? How much longer are you going to abuse our patience? How to Budget Your Money by A.T.O. How to annoy an electoral official - ask for a quik pik. How to double your drive space:- Delete Windows! How was your lobotomy? How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. How you look depends on where you go. How young can you die of old age? Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection. Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Human Error - It's all ***YOUR*** Fault. Humility is no substitute for a good personality. Hummingbirds can never remember the words! Humour always plays very close to the hot fire of truth. Hunger is a good sauce Husband: What's left of man after the nerve is extracted Hypocrisy is the type of homage vice pays to virtue. Hypocritic Oath: I promise to do, what I will not do I can't be Illuminated, I haven't paid my light bill! I 'AM NOT' a Complete Idiot! Several parts are missing I *did* read the docs; that's why I'm confused! I CAN'T go to hell, they don't want me.. I LOVE cats! Anyone want to share recipes? I Like your approach. Now let's see your departure I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum. I READ the documents...I just didn't UNDERSTAND them!!! I Think....therefore I am over qualified! I WILL procrastinate, if I can just get started! I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have two Xeroxes! I act like a fool on purpose. He just can't help himself. I adjusted the brightness, but the msgs are still dumb I aim to please...er...are you a target? I always cry after sex, I think it's the Mace. I always get my muckin words fuddled! I always watch my speling; sintax, & grama I am SysOp, hear me roar, with modems too fast to ignore. I am a mental tourist, my mind wanders. I am always exact and precise (more or less) I am an equal opportunity philosopher. I am as nervous as a tree on the Lassie show. I am ashes where once I was fire. I am completely underwhelmed by your intelligence. I am immortal, at least till I die. I am in total control, but don't tell my wife. I am neither sensitive nor childish enough to be Politically Correct. I am not a beach bum. I am a coastally-located Australian I am not a dictator. It's just I have a grumpy face. I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you. I am not at all the sort of person you and I took me for. I am not dead yet, but watch for further reports. I am not infallible. I may be mistaken about that, too. I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. I am politically incorrect and proud of it! I am romantic, caring, gentle, loving, respectful. So, ya wanna fuck? I am the ring that lines your tub. I am the watchdog of freedom...got a milkbone handy? I am, of course, any thinking woman's everyday fantasy. I be better than I was but not as good as I is. I beleive in STRESS REDUCTION - Strangle the sod! I believe in The Divine Right of SysOps. I believe in a God that doesn't require heavy financing. I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures. I believe that the power to make money is a gift from God. I bet I can quit gambling I brake for programmers, but not to hard. I can accept constructive criticism of you I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol. I can't be fired, slaves have to be sold. I can't be stupid, I completed third grade! I can't decide between EDLIN and WordPerfect Six... I can't decide whether to make a decision or not. I can't drown your sorrows - I taught them to swim I can't get the #!$% White-Out off my screen! I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse. I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!! I come from the shallow end of the gene pool. I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays. I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. I decided to take a personal interest in your career. You're fired." I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. I didn't cheat. I changed the rules! I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables I didn't get the documentation for the manuals! I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. I do it with such frequency, my gigahertz. I do know *everything*....but I'm sworn to secrecy! I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of. I don't advocate sex & insanity... but they work for me. I don't care about the star, get those camels OFF my lawn I don't care who you are, get those reindeer off my roof! I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food. I don't engage in casual sex. . . . Please dress up. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. I don't know what I'd do without you, but I enjoy thinking about it! I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way I don't mind sharks, it's their eating habits I dislike. I don't need YOUR *attitude*. I've got one of my own!! I don't need a new religion, I haven't used up the old one yet! I don't need to be born again.Did it right the 1st time! I don't normally drink, but I'm not normally normal. I don't steal tag lines...I just recycle them! I don't think I lost it.....I don't think I ever had it! I don't want anything better, I want coffee." I doubleclicked on help, pointed at my wife, and the system crashed. I doubt, therefore I might be. I downloaded my brain. Why are my blanks still disk? I drank 24 cans of Diet Coke last night and I'm *STILL* fat! I drank WHAT!? - Socrates I dreamed I was a muffler and woke up exhausted! I drink to make other people more interesting! I eat from 4 main food groups: barley, malt, hops, yeast. I escaped from a political correction facility. I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. I feel like an 18 year old; is there one handy? I feel more like I do now than I did before I started I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it. I find push buttons very depressing I forget. Is chocolate a fruit or a vegetable? I fought the lawn and the lawn won. I found the ANY key; it's next to the OTHER key. I gave up cigarettes - it was the hardest fifteen minutes of my life! I glue my bills together. It's a mail bonding ritual. I got a computer for my girlfriend, GOOD TRADE. I got lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory. I got real close to seeing Elvis, but my shovel broke. I got rid of my wife. The dog was allergic. I gpt a toucj typ)inf coirse fur Chrustmes! I had a cat once... tasted like chicken. I had some morals; luckily, I got my money back. I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense I had to shoot him, officer! He was about to hurt himself!! I hate graffiti. I hate all Italian food. I have 100 GB of software, All on 360K floppies! I have a 14,400 bps modem and 1.5 bps fingers. I have a dream.... DIR c: ... 9283672374982734 bytes free I have a full deck. I'm just a slow shuffler. I have a memory, I just forgot where I put it. I have a photographic memory, but I'm out of film. I have a speech impediment . . . my foot. I have all the money I'll ever need if I die by 3 o'clock! I have been accused of being out of phase with reality myself! I have been circumspecked, and I'm not even Jewish! I have enough guilt to start my own religion. I have enough trouble single-tasking! I have hard evidence of the efficacy of ginseng. I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. I have no answers, only questions........(Galileo) I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense. I have the heart of a liberal .. In a jar on my desk. I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse. I haven't read the movie, but I've seen the book. I haven't tried it because I don't like it! I hear the president is naming you Secretary of the Inferior. I heard you were at the dog show? Who won SECOND prize? I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for! I idiot-proof my programs,but along comes a bigger idiot. I inherited curiosity from my cat. Why do you ask? I intend to live forever - or die trying!!!! I invest in Negotiable Blondes. I invest in Negotiable Blondes. I joined paranoids anonymous but they were plotting against me. I just bought a G-String. IT'S ON MY GUITAR, PERVERT!! :) I just brought a cured ham. Wonder what it had? I just escaped the twilight zone and fell into the ozone I just got back from the LAPD and boy am I beat! I just love a woman in a gownless evening strap! I just love cats, especially with ketchup. I just need enough coffee to tide me over 'till I need more. I just took an IQ test. The results were negative. I keep my .BAT files in C:\BELFRY. I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin! I knew him in a past life, he was a fuckwit then too! I knew it was a bad crash, when the FAA called. I know I'm drunk, I'm paying for it. I can see 2 of you! I know a good tag line when I steal one I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once. I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once I know karate, kung-fu, and 47 other dangerous words. I know some people that I would like to re-boot. I know very little, but I know it fluently... I know you think you understand what you thought I said. I like my job! It's the work I hate I like ragged margins, said Tom without justification. I like womens like I like my code: fast, tight & easy! I live in my own world... Peaceful visitors welcome... I love Beethoven, Especially his poems! I love animals, in fact I've been jailed for it 3 times! I love animals. I've been arrested for it twice. I love it when you dBase me!....... I love kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one. I love my country but am embarrassed by my government. I love my country, but fear it's government! I love oral sex, it's the phone bill I hate. I love sex with Blonds, but my wife doesn't appreciate it I love sex; it's free and doesn't require special shoes. I love the smell of Echomail in the morning. I love to snatch kisses! (Did I say that right?) I made a mistake once; thought I was wrong for a moment. I make *serious* coffee. Its so strong it wakes up the neighbors. I make it a practice never to make a positive statement! I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other I may be stupid, that still makes me smarter than you I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them. I modem down, but dey grew back. I multitask... I read in the toilet! I must be a sex object. I say "Sex?" and she objects. I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night. I never make stupid mistakes. Only very very clever ones. I never play CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT - I deleted them I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I I object to sex on TV... I keep falling off! I once dreamt I was awake & when I woke up I was asleep! I only started a BBS to save on the phone bill I owe money, therefore I am I parked my harddisk - and got a ticket! I plan to be a late bloomer - it's my only chance. I prefer wicked over foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. I put instant coffee in a microwave & almost went back in time. I put spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I refuse to fight a duel of wits with an unarmed opponent! I refuse to grow up! specially after seeing how they act! I remember everything. I have a pornographic memory. I saw a subliminal advertisement, but only for a second. I see no humor here, I can only laugh at the thought. I see you're feeling particularly blonde today. I seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions.. Caine I sentence you to hang by the neck until you cheer up. I slept like a baby -- woke up every two hours. I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it? I sold my soul to Satan. He wanted a refund, but I said, "No." I sort all MY taglines by thickness. I started with nothing and just got it all back I started with nothing and still have most of it left I studied Chinese philosophy...an hour later I was wondering again. I t#ld yo#, "Never#touch #he flop#y disk s#rface!" I take it there's no qualifying exam to join this echo. I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat. I take things lightly. Up, up, up yours, and away I tawt I taw a tagwine I th in k my Har d dis k is Fr agm ent ed ! !! ! I think I could fall madly in bed with you. I think he did a little too much LDS in the 60's... I think he's playing the old five-string guitar. I think it's time for my medication... I think my last .REP file included one of my feet. I think my learning curve has turned into a circle! I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. I think someone pee'd in his gene pool. I think what you believe I said is not what I meant. I think, therefore I am not Politically Correct. I thought about being Born Again, but my mother refused. I thought about being born again, but Mom said "no." I took the road less travelled and fell in a hole. I took up gardening as a hobby, but I only grew tired. I tried OS/2 once, but I didn't inhale. I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked I tried computer dating once; I decided I prefer women. I tried paying my income tax with a smile but they wanted cash. I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. I tried to drown my problems but they can swim! I tried to get a life, but it was too expensive. I tried to snort coke....but the bubbles bother my nose. I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface! I understand your concern. Request Denied. I use multitasking: I have 3 computers. I use original Taglines, but they originate elsewhere. I use to be a blonde but I got smart with Clairol! I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy. I used to be a terrible flirt...but I've gotten better! I used to be concerned about apathy-Now I just don't care I used to be normal; then I joined this conference! I used to date a contortionist, but she broke it off. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. I used to have a life, then I got an HST ! I used to have peace of mind, now I have kids. I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass I used to read Books. Now I read .QWK pac I want a warm bed, a kind word, and a 500Mhz CPU. I want all the power and none of the responsibility. I want is the chance to prove money can't buy happiness. I want to be immortal by not dying -W.Allen I want to reach your mind--where is it currently located? I wanted to be a comedian but everyone just laughed at me. I was an honor student at the correctional facility I was born agnostic, and I'll diagnostic... I was born blonde... what's your excuse? I was goin' Chopin', but I forgot my Liszt! Had to go Bach to get it. I was going to procrastinate....But I put it off. I was normal once, then I became a Moderator I was not CREATING a disturbance, I was improving the one already there. I was on a roll, till I slipped on the butter. I was perfect, but I used it all up. I was the Station Engineer, er..ok..Sanitary Engineer I was up all night trying to round off infinity. I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way. I wasn't born stupid, I was self taught! I will always love the false image I had of you. I will defend the Constitution -- even against the government! I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. I will fight for your right to your wrong opinion. I will never forget rising at the crack of Dawn. I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body. I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. I wish life had a scroll-back buffer..... I wish you humans would leave me alone. I won't insult your intelligence - I doubt if I could! I wonder..if the caffeine factory works 24 hours a day... I wouldn't want the fit to hit the shan! I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I'd be a fundamentalist - if I could just stop laughing... I'd enjoy the day more if it started later. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on the last one. I'd have written sooner, but I thought I owed you money. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. I'd like to change the world, but they won't give me the source code. I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money. I'd rather be Morally Correct than Politically Correct. I'd rather be crazy than stupid. I'd rather hit with a .22 than miss with a .44! I'd rather look for dead people than have 'em look for me. I'd slap you, but shit splatters! I'd sooner have a nice cup of tea. D.Drummond 1994 I'll believe in God as soon as he smacks me in the head. I'll control my OWN guns, thank you. I'll dangle my participle anywhere I want to! I'll do it tomorrow -- I've made enough mistakes today! I'll gladly eat my words, if you write them in chocolate. I'll have what the gentleman on the floor is having." I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it. I'll let you have the last word if you guarantee it will be your last. I'll play fair if I get to make up the rules. I'll switch the bed off and go to computer now I'll try to dig up a couple of friends, said Tom gravely. I'm Not Prejudiced....I Hate Everybody...Equally.... I'm Buy-sexual. If you want it you have to pay for it. I'm FINE !!! (Frantic, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional) I'm a 5," drive. She has a 3+" drive. It'd never work out. I'm a Zen nudist; I'm naked in my own mind. I'm a tagline virus, go ahead and copy me... I'm after the same things the government wants: MY freedom! I'm against conference Censorship because the SysOp c I'm against firm female bodies, as often as possible. I'm always in the shit, it's the depth that varies! I'm always sincere, whether I mean it or not. I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk. I'm an atheist, for god's sake! I'm armed, easily upset and off my medication. What was your question? I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol! I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar. I'm at the end of my thread. I'm broad-minded. I hardly think of anything else. I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. BLawrence I'm crazy about big words. That's called psychosemantic! I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. I'm doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Moe, & Curly. I'm efficient. I finished my 2-week diet in three days. I'm fat. Your ugly. I can diet. I'm flexible, just don't change anything!! I'm from the Taxation Department and I'm here to help you I'm glad you don't have a dual personality. This one's bad enough. I'm going to hell? Great! We can carpool! I'm going to the post office. Anyone seen my Kevlar vest? I'm happiest when someone else is doing the cooking. I'm having an out of money experience. I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Dont Walk I'm in here for being crazy, not stupid. I'm in search of myself...Have you seen me anywhere? I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it? I'm in the prime of my senility I'm just here for moral support. Ignore the gun. I'm looking for a meaningful overnight relationship. I'm married to my computer, my wife is the hobby. I'm mooning you now, you just can't see me. I'm much too young to feel this damned old I'm never silly, just misunderstood. I'm nobody; nobody is perfect; ergo, I'm perfect. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing. I'm not a guitar -- stop picking on me!" I'm not a gynecologist, but I play one in my toolshed. I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority! I'm not afraid of death! What's it gonna do? Kill me? I'm not against naked girls. Or not as often as I'd like to be! I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT! I'm not as dumb as you look!!! I'm not at my wit's end, but I can see it from here. I'm not crazy, it's just that you're normal. I'm not disabled... I'm a LIMITED EDITION! I'm not easily fooled, except by myself. I'm not fat! I'm just vertically disadvantaged! I'm not ill, my memory has a parity error! I'm not illiterate, my parent's were married I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am. I'm not old, I'm chronologically gifted. I'm not overdrawn... just underdeposited. I'm not panicking. I'm examining all options at high speed. I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? I'm not playing hard to get. I AM hard to get. I'm not politically incorrect.I'm conformity challenged. I'm not politically incorrect; you're ideologically sheltered. I'm not religious. God willing, I never will be. I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged". I'm not schizophrenic, I'm "multi-faceted" I'm not schizophrenic, my mind multi-tasks! I'm not schizophrenic. It's this guy beside me! I'm not stoned, I'm "recreationally medicated!" I'm not super man, but I'm very dense.RLawrence 1995 I'm not young enough to know everything.... I'm on a low-fat, high stress diet .... coffee and fingernails. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. I'm only human ... but I'm working on a cure right now ... I'm out fighting the patriarchy; leave a message... I'm precise. He's discriminating. You're picky. I'm ready to meet God. Whether God is ready to meet me is another thing. I'm right 90% of the time--why quibble over the other 3%? I'm schizophrenic and so am I. I'm so broke I'm thinking of starting my own government.. I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention. I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling. Teddy I'm sorry... Were the voices in my head bothering you? I'm still testing life; not registered yet ! I'm too sexy for this BBS, too sexy for this...NO CARRIER I'm too sexy for this conference... Teddy 1996 I'm too skeptical to deny the possibility of anything... I'm top dog in my house...and I have the leash to prove it. I'm trusting. You're na‹ve. He's a fool. I'm user friendly, I don't byte -- I nybble. I'm usually awake near the end of the day I'm very efficient at work. I haven't missed a coffee break in 6 years. I'm wearing boxer shorts & I know how to use them. I'm wearing boxer shorts ... and I know how to use them. I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable... I'm working on my 4th million - the first three failed! I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I've always wondered why the MODERATOR echo needs moderating. I've been sleeping with my mother-in-law's daughter! I've finally got this ficts, fics, fixd ... I've found the perfect solution for cat odors. A gun. I've got 256K of RAM, so why can't I run Windows 3.0? I've got Multiple Personality Disorder; and so do I. I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine. I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system I've got morals, I just don't know where they are. I've had BETA days ... and nights!!! I've heard of hard-headed people, but... I've learnt to type, because I don't know how to write! I've never TRIED to insult you. I've never HAD to try. I've never met a 20-25 year old Blond Swedish girl I didn't like. I've no problem with God, it's the fan clubs I can't understand¶ I've seen the face, but can't pick the nose I've turned my Laserjet into a death ray! I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead IBM - Inferior But Marketable! IBM,making tomorrow's mistakes TODAY! IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more IF I's gotta esplain it....It ain't funny... IF Statistics DON'T tell a Good Enough LIE, .Use GRAPHICS Icon see clearly now, the pane is gone... Ideas must work through the brains and the arms of good and brave men. Ideology is history full of myth, but devoid of fact. Idiot (id-ee-it) n.- One who disagrees with you. Idiotcracy--a form of government used in the U.S. Idiots: People who drive slower than you do. Idleness is the holiday of fools. If 'god' were real, she'd be really disappointed. If (version == 2.04c) wait_for(2.10); If 4 bits=a nibble; 8=a byte, doesn't 16 = a mouthful If 99 million people say a dumb thing, it's still dumb. If CON is the opposite of PRO, who opposes PROGRESS? Congress! If DOS was an airline, would you purchase a ticket? If Death calls, take a message. I'll get back to him. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ.... If God didn't have a sense of humor, we wouldn't be here. If God is a god of love, how can his followers promote so much hate? If God is not on my side - I'm in _serious_ trouble! If God meant it that way, it would've been Adam & Steve. If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked. If God wanted METRIC, there would've been 10 disciples! If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us REAL candidates. If Government's the answer, it must have been a stupid question! If I am correct, the rest of you are wrong! If I am what I eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy If I can survive death, I can probably survive anything. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see. If I enjoyed looking at an hourglass, I'd use Windows! If I gave you two aspirins, would you go away? If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking. If I owned Queensland and Hell, I'd rent out Queensland and live in Hell. If I save time, when do I get it back ? If I was rich I would have a computer. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one ? If I'm so wrong, why can't you prove it? If Idiots Could Fly, This Place Would Be An Airport. If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name? If Keating is the answer, the question must be stupid. If Money is the root of all evil, I'm a Saint. If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. If NASA is so smart, why do they count backwards? If Nudity was natural we all would have been born naked. If Political.Correctness <> Common.Sense THEN GOTO Reality If Q were castrated would he be O? If a dog bites you 1,000,000 times, is that a megabite? * If a felon is one who commits a felony, God is an iron. If all the world's a stage; I sure got lousy seats. . . If anything can't possibly go wrong, it will anyway. If at first you don't menage, trois, trois again. If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, don't be foolish, give up. If at first you don't succeed, join Bob Lawrence. If at first you don't succeed, spend more money. If at first you don't succeed, then don't skydive. If at first you don't succeed, try Ctrl-Alt-Del... If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft. If at first you don't succeed; Blame everyone else If at first you doubt, doubt again, and again ... If bullshit were music, you'd be a brass band. If code was portable, it'd have wheels or a handle If corn oil is made from corn, what's baby oil made from? If dropped, a small object will hide under a large object If every fool wore a crown, we would all be kings. If everyone lived forever, where would we all park!? If everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane If grasshoppers had .45's, they wouldn't fear frogs. If gun control's good, why do its proponents lie so much? If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the Liberals? If guns are outlawed, only Outlaws will have guns.! If guns cause crime then video cameras cause porn! If guns cause crime, all of mine are defective. If guns cause crime, do matches cause arson? If guns cause crime, then flies cause garbage. If guns cause crime, why do we arm the police? If he sat in the sandbox, the cat would cover him up. If hot air rises, why isn't Canberra in orbit around Venus? If ignorance is bliss, fundies are in nirvana! If ignorance is bliss, the White House must be heaven on earth! If ignorance is bliss, why are you still bitching? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? If ignorance is bliss, you're having an orgasm. If in danger or in doubt, Run in circles, Scream & Shout If is is is not & is not is is is is not is? If it ain't broke, fix it anyway! If it ain't broke, kick it harder. If it ain't caffeinated, it ain't coffee! If it attacks shoot it, if it doesn't die run! If it has CHIPS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it If it has tits or wheels, it will cause you trouble. If it jams, force it...If it breaks, it needed replacing. If it looks right, it probably isn't. - Murphy If it moves so slow, why is it called rush hour? If it screams, it's not food, yet.... If it screams, you're not chewing fast enough. If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO !! If it was raining soup, I'd have a knife & fork If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBO If it wasnt for pick pockets I'd have no sex life. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done If it works, rip it apart and find out why! If it works, something went wrong. If it's got tits or wheels, it will cause you trouble. If it's not cruel and unusual, it isn't punishment. If it's not on fire, it's a software problem If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. If it's stupid, but it works, then it's not stupid. If it's such a good deal, why are you offering it to me? If it's useless, it will have to be documented. If it's working OK, then something's GOTTA be wrong! If its Tourist Season, why can't we shoot 'em ??? If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor? If life were logical, MEN would ride sidesaddle. If little else, the brain is an educational toy. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?? If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws! If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrement. If money breeds money, all mine must be the same sex. If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? If money talks, Being a SysOp is pretty quiet! If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it? If more judges were victims, there would be less crime. If nobody is sore or wet, it wasn't good sex. If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles! If only men came with pull-down menus and online help. If people don't control the government, it'll certainly control THEM! If people listened to themselves, they would shut up. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!! If sex is a driving force, why is so much found parking? If sex is a pain in the arse, you're not doing it right! If she won't live forever, why give her a diamond? If shit happens, you probably deserve it. If something aint broken, don't worry, it will be! If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If speed scares you - try Windows If speed scares you, twit him. If stupidity had survival value, You would be immortal. If the GOOD die young, I wonder why I am still here. If the door is Baroque, jiggle the Handel! If the facts do not conform, they must be disposed of. If the flame is RED stand Aside If the fundies won't be there, hell can't be that bad! If the original works.. then DON'T upgrade !! If the people don't enforce the Constitution, who will? If the plane starts to go down, I'm lighting one up! If the rug fits, sweep it under. If the shoe fits, buy it. - Imelda Marcos If the spoon don't dissolve, it ain't coffee! If the stork brings babies, do swallows prevent them? If there ain't a victim, there ain't a crime! If there is no God, who pops up the next tagline? If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance If things get better with age......I'm Magnificent If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad? If this thing's so foolproof, why won't it work for me? If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny. If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay? If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of? If today was a fish, I'd throw it back. If turning it on doesn't help, plug it in. If u still can't read this, try again later with a modem! If users can't read the manual, give them the source code If vegetables are so good, why aren't they for dessert? If voting changed anything they'd make it illegal. If voting could change the system, it would be against the law. If voting made a difference, it would be illegal If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can. If we cannot overthrow the government, it is not constrained. If we don't drink it, someone else will.[R.Lawrence 1993] If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research. If we learn by mistakes,I'm getting a fantastic education If women like it, it's Erotica. If men like it, it's Pornography! If worms carried 45's, what would the early bird do?? If you Think and Drive, your unique... If you are against abortion..... don't have one. If you are in it up to your ears, don't open your mouth! If you are not the poet, you can be the poem. If you are what you eat, how come I'm not a woman? If you are what you eat, what's a lesbian then? If you aren't OUTRAGED, you aren't paying attention! If you aren't going all the way, why go at all? If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you believe everything you read, better not read If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. If you can't Handel it, go into Haydn. If you can't be careful, don't name it after me! If you can't bite, don't show your teeth. If you can't bite, don't try to show your teeth. If you can't lick'em, put'em on with a big piece of tape If you can't read this, blame your teachers. If you can't run with the big dogs, keep your puppy ass on the porch! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. If you cross this field, do it in 9 seconds. The bull can cross in 10. If you don't know what it does, don't fool with it! If you don't know where your going, any road will take you there. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any. If you don't like my opinion of you -- improve yourself! If you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried If you don't think about the future, you can't have one. If you don't think women are explosive, just drop one!! If you don'think women are explosive, ... drop one! If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. If you eat your yogurt, you'll have lots of culture. If you ever need a friend, buy a dog. If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition. If you fell into a barrel of tits you'd come up sucking your thumb. If you have plans for tomorrow, be safe today. If you have plans for tomorrow, be safe today. If you hold a hard drive to your ear, you can hear the C: If you leave the room, you're elected. If you listen to fools the mob rules. If you live long enough, it WILL kill you... If you look in her eyes you'll see the back of her head. If you love it so much why don't you marry it? If you love the Constitution, be ready to defend it! If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk? If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless. If you save the world too often, it starts to expect it. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast..... If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. If you think women are moody and bossy - get a cat. If you throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter If you wake up Sleepy & Grumpy, you must be Snow White. If you want peace, work for justice. If you want the last word with a woman, apologize. If you want to hide your face, walk naked. If you want to kill time, why not try working it to death? If you want to live don't get between me and that chocolate! Teddy 1996 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. If you wish work poorly done, pay in advance. If you would possess you must not claim. If you're a happy little citizen, clank your chains! If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. If you're not making waves, you're not rowing the boat. If you're not paranoid, you're not involved... If you're offended now, try playing my message backwards. If you're on the cutting edge, expect to bleed. If you're too old to learn, you were born so. If you're trying to drive me crazy, you're too late! If you've only got a hammer, Everything looks like a nail If your mind goes blank, be sure to turn off the sound. If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it! Ignorance can cause some interesting arguments. Ignorance is bliss, but it will never replace sex. Ignorance is curable, but most refuse the inoculation. Ignorance is curable, stupidity isn't. Ignorance is not a disease, ignoring it definitely is! Ignorance may be bliss, but it'll never replace sex. Illegal we do immediately, unconstitutional takes longer! Illiteracy Network - Ignorance for Jesus! Illiterate? ... Write for FREE help. Im as confused as a termite in a Yo-Yo Imagination without learning is like wings with no feet Immanuel Kant... but Kubla Khan ! Important letters develop errors in the mail. Imprisoned in .QWK file! Send the ZIP army! In America, we'll try anything once - except criminals. In Canada there is another word for Sushi.......BAIT! In DoubleSpace no one can hear you scream. In India they worship monkeys. We just elect them. In NZ, a bisexual is someone who likes cattle AND sheep In The Search For Quality, There Is No Finish Line In USA they don't throw away the trash, they make them into TV series. In a gun fight there are no second place winners. In a nuclear explosion, all men are cremated equal. In all systems of theology, the devil is a male. In case of emergency administer chocolate. In case of emergency, drop to DOS and do it right. In dog years, I'm long dead and buried. In every gain there is a loss. In every gain there is a loss. In here Strange ain't Strange!!! It's Normal!! In my book you're a great guy. But then, it IS a work of fiction.... In my next life I'll marry a Tagline..... `cos they really suck! In some places 'moderator' decodes to a dirty word. In the beginning there was chaos...it got worse! In the end, gravity wins. - Dolly Parton In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is insane. In the presence of great men, even fools hide their fault In the race for the ultimate, don't leave simple behind! In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. In your PCBored config, specify BUGS=OFF Incest is a game the whole family can play. Incoming fire has the right of way Incoming fire has the right-of-way. Incontinence hotline...Can you hold please? Incorrigible punster -- do not incorrige! Indecent: When you're in right up to the testicles. Indecision...the key to flexibility. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Innuendo = Italian Suppository Innuendo: Italian for "suppository." Inquiring minds don't read this trash..... Inquiring minds will be scared by what they find out. Insane? ME? Why thank you! Insanity, May I ask who is calling please? Insert new disk for drive C: Press ENTER when ready. Inside every fat person is a thin person - the fat one ate them! Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over Instant Human: Just Add Coffee... Instant Shaman...Add water and beat to a drum. Instant coffee warmer: put your cup on a Pentium chip and compute Pi. Instant gratification just isn't fast enough anymore Instead of being born again, why not just grow up? Insufficient resourses : Insert wallet into drive A: Intel: Quality you can count on, but not divide by. Intelligent tinkering - Rule 1 - Save all the parts. Invertabrate punster; so slug me. Is OS/2 only half an operating system? Is SEX better than DOPE? It depends on the Pusher. Is Sue a Name or Verb? Is This The 5 Min. Argument, Or The Full 1/2 Hour? Is a female lawyer without her briefs a soliciter? Is a pedant a Latin insect which bites feet ?? Is a virus a "micro" organism? Is electronic mail just micro chip chat? Is it discrimination if no one will sexually harass you? Is it legal to advocate the long overdue overthrow of a corrupt govt.?" Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON? Is it still Paranoia if they really ARE out to get you? Is it too late to get the Russians to drop a nuke on Washington?" Is it wrong to relieve fools of their money? Is sex in a cornfield PORN on the cob? Is that you singing, or does the cat want to come in? Is there a BBS-aholics Anonymous? Is there a lawyer in the house? Is there another? * Is there life after death? Why wait? Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn ... Is your cat missing? Check my tires. Is your church B.A.T.F. approved? Isn't 'Dumb Blonde' a peroxymoron? Isn't it nice that egotists don't talk about other people Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity? Isn't this the OFF-TOPIC conference? It always happens, but we never expect 'the unexpected' It backed up like a poofter at the gay mardi gras. It doesn't matter what size the gun is, just how well it shoots. It doesn't say...shall not be infringed, much. It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank It is after all, *how* we walk the path that is important. It is always dangerous to be too right too soon. It is as absurd to argue men, as to torture them, into belief. It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you. It is better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darknes It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver. It is easier to be critical than to be correct. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere. - Voltaire It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly. It is illegal to make liquor privately, or water publicly It is never dangerous to assume that El Orrance doesn't know something. It isn't really mine 'til I've modified it. It it ain't broke yet, let me have a shot at it. It matters not so much what you sing, but why. - J.S. Bach It may be the wrong conference. But it's the right netwo It needs YOUR permission to make you feel inferior! It said "Insert Disk #3", but only two would fit ! It seems he even flunked sex education. It sometimes works better when you have all the docs It takes courage to innovate, not imitate. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. It takes two to make a bargain. It was so cold, I almost got married. It was the flashing blue lights that blinded me! It wasn't me, I didn't do it, and it was an accident. It works better if you plug it in -- unless it's the cat. It works better when you have all the documentation It's ALWAYS dark if you never open your eyes! It's HARD to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys! It's a coffee maker that fits in a 1/2 height drive bay! It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Bone Undies It's a fine line between courage & foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence It's a free society, 'cept it ain't free It's a poor sort of memory that never forgets! It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. It's a shame that most people are Constitutionally ignorant. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. It's always darkest right before you step on the cat. It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's been a business doing pleasure with you. It's better to love a short girl than to never love a'tall. It's easier to attack symptoms than solve problems. It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission. It's easy to apply yourself, if you just use crazy glue! It's either country music, or nine cats being tortured. It's hard to fight the fire while we're feeding the flames. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice. It's not 0 to 100..... it's 150 to 95 that matters! It's not IF you hard drive crashes but WHEN! It's not a Problem, It's an OPPORTUNITY! It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. It's not so much the size of the bullet; it's how you place your shots. It's not that you & I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole. It's not what you do. It's what you get caught doing! It's nothing a warm-boot can't fix It's okay to call me stupid; just don't prove it. It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, but don't point. It's on that one, the 6th unlabeled floppy. It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a It's people like you, who make people like me above average. It's people, not guns or knives that kill. It's the ewe that makes the rampant It's wise to know enough to not know too much ... Its hard to be graceful getting off your high horse. Its not junk... because I haven't thrown it away! (Yet) Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters! JERK: What is found on both ends of fishing lines. Jeez, you start havin' fun, they send in the lawyers! Jehovah's Witness Relocation Program Director Jello can be violent in the wrong hands... Jello is Kool-Aid with a hard-on. Jesus Loves You. I Don't. Get Out Of My Way. Jesus died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. Jesus died to take away your sins, not your sense of humor. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a butthead. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk! Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a moron. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an idiot. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk! Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. Jesus said: If a man love me, he will keep my words. Jesus saves, Moses invests! Jesus to Multitude: What, 5000 of you and no one brought a sandwich? Jet engine theory: Suck, squeeze, bang, blow... Jewish Dilemma :Pork chops; half-price Jimi Hendrix's modem was a Purple Hayes. Joggers do it on the run. Johann Sebastian Schwarzennegger: "I'll be Bach..." Join the Brownian Movement. Join the Psychic Society: You KNOW where the meetings are! Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them. Jones' Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have. Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep. Jury - A Group Chosen to Decide Who has the best Lawyer. Just SWAG (scientific wild ass guesses).... Just a few short notes... ... ... ... . Just another inmate in this insane world. Just because I can read it doesn't mean I understand it! Just because they have uniforms doesn't mean they're sane. Just bring me my coffee, and s-l-o-w-l-y back away. Just got a new car for my wife... great trade... Just one more day in the asylum... Just say NO to a Constitutional Convention! Just say NO to negativism. Just sliding down the razor blade of life . . . Justice delayed is justice denied Justified flamethrowing withheld at Moderator's request. KEYBOARD: Device used to enter errors into the computers KKK: Sheet for brains KLEIN BOTTLE FOR RENT--- inquire within. KLEPTOMANIA! Take something for it! KODACLONE - duplicating film. Karaoke:Japanese for "tone deaf drunk with a microphone" Keating enters a paddock of sheep: Average IQ goes down! Keating wants to run STACKER on your Gross Income. Keep cool .. the Pentium cant... Keep honking... I'm reloading. Keep smilin and thinkin ... it fools 'em every time. Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down. Keep up the good work; see if anyone cares. Keep your guns and turn in a criminal! Kelnyth's axiom #113: NEVER say "Just watch this.." Kelnyth's axiom #132: The poor will do it.... Kick..whiz whiz whiz.. Booting off a floppy. Kids: They're not sleeping, they're recharging! Kilometer? Why? What did the meter ever do to me? Kinky: Using a feather. Perverted: Using the chicken. Kiss me twice.....I'm a schizophrenic! Knees buckle? Belt won't? Then you know you're old. Knock firm but softly. I like soft firm knockers! Know guns be safe... No guns nobody's safe! Know thyself. If you need help, call A.S.I.O. Know what to kiss and when. Know why divorce is so expensive? It's WORTH it! Know your target...then drop him. Knowledge rests not on truth alone, but upon error also. Kotex not best thing in world, but next to it. LIFE: (n) What happens while you are making other plans. LIFE: A fatal, sexually transmitted disease. LIFE: Well, one thing led to another, and then we died. LOGIC: a set of rules to explain what we don't understand LOMBARD - lots of money but a real d*ckhead LOTUS - Let Only The Users Suffer LSD: Virtual reality without the expensive hardware LUNACY my Best personality trait! Lab Law #1: Hot glass looks just like cold glass Lack of sex leads to depression; extreme cases can lead to religion. Ladies Wanted! ALL Positions. Will train! Laptop: Lighter than the avg. secretary Large Cats Are A No-No, But A Little Pussy Is Fine. Large programmer gets flu ... the burly nerd catches the germ! Last Words: It's always sunny there this time of the year Last minute is always the most productive! Last year many lives were caused by accidents Late Model BRIDGE for sale, cheap. Contact:Ivabeen Haad Latest word from Microsoft about Windows: April Fool!. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Laundries have secret compartment for single socks. Law - Morality defined by Politians... Law of holes: when you're in one, stop digging! Lawyers & Hookers: Both hired to get their clients off. Lawyers: the larval form of Politicians. Laziness: Resting before you get tired Lead an ass to knowledge, but you can't make it think Lead me not into temptation; I'll find my own way. Learn from your parent's mistakes: Use Birth Control! Learn patience - ray trace on a '286 Leave your body to science and give the students a giggle Lecher fingers do the walking. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Legalize Maru...mawa...moua...mawo...Ummm... POT! Legislate verbs, not nouns. Less government = more freedom. Less than 0.2% of the guns in the US are misused in crime. Let Waco and Ruby Ridge be a warning to all Americans... Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars, Let's do it write - er, right the furst time. Let's get some beer and dynamite and go fishing. Letcher fingers do the walking. Letcher fingers do the walking. Lettuce isn't food, it's what food EATS! Liberace was great on the piano, but sucked on the organ. Liberals and bandits both want the population unarmed. Coincidence? Liberals rush in where fools fear to go. Libertarians oppose all proposed and pending victim-disarmament laws Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words. Librarians do it by the book. Librarians do it by the book. Life after death? Like terminate and stay resident? Life and death are seldom logical. Life gets in the way of my happiness... Life goes on...with or without me. Life has a lot of undocumented features. Life is a bed of roses. Full of pricks ! Life is a bifurcating chaotic attractor. And then you die. Life is a series of interrelated delusions. Life is a series of rude awakenings Life is a sexually transmitted, terminal disease. Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers. Life is an onion and one peels it crying. Life is but one long journey, and many moccassins. Life is difficult for the organizationally impaired. Life is hard, but people often make it harder!' Life is like a box of chocolates, fundies are turds mixed in the box. Life is like an hourglass. Consciousness is the sand. Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards. Life is never simple, but we pretend it is Life is not a spectacle or a feast, it is a predicament. Life is something that happens when you can't sleep. Life is too short for bad coffee. Life is unsure - eat dessert first! Life sucks and then you marry someone who won't !! Life support system warranty expired!!! Life would be easier if I had the source code... Life's a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute. Life...too many questions, too few answers. Life: Anything that dies when you stomp it. Life: A sexually transmitted fatal condition. Lightyear: A regular year with less calories. Like Cleopatra, she was the queen of denial. Like all self-made men he worships his creator. -Unknown Line noise provided by ASIO's BBS monitoring service. Line noise provided by Telecom Australia Line noise? What fh=.hElL is.LinS nfise? Listen to what I think... not what I say! Little Jack Horner does it with aplomb. Live Long and Suffer Live Long and Suffer. Living Dead Dating Service: Let us dig up a date for you. Living life on the edge of insanity....... Lizzie Borden.... America's FIRST hacker! Located next to Kojak's Barber Shop. Lock & Load, The Politicians are coming... Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Logjam -- Some kind of high fiber jelly. Long-life batteries aren't. Just ask Teddy! Look young and thin !! Hang around old, fat people. Looking for a copy of OS/2? It's under my coffee mug. Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. Lookout World! The Modem is Ringing! Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue ... Los Angeles seasons: Fire, Flood, Smog, and Earthquake Lost gold may be found, time lost is gone forever. Lots of things are easy when you know the answer Louisiana: The reason why inbreeding is illegal. Love gets too complicated when you involve a second person Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics. Love is always good medicine. Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime. Love is grand. Divorce, twenty grand. Love is like a door: first it's swinging, then there's a catch! Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. Love is the strongest message or belief you can spread or release. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love on a coffee table Ä a many-splintered thing. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Love thy neighbour, but don't let her husband catch you Love truth, pardon error. * Voltaire Love, Honesty, and Compassion are OUR family values. Luck is what happens when preperation meets opportunity. Luck: A matter of preparation meeting opportunity. Lunatic: Insect from the moon. Luxuriantly hand-crafted of only the finest ASCII. Lycanthropes have a howling good time! M y H ar d Dr i ve i sn' t f ra g m ent ed ! MABO - Make Aborigines Billionaires Overnight??? MAMMOGRAPHY: Biography of a southern mother. MANIAC - An early computer built by nuts. MEDIA: Manipulating Everyone's Decisions In Australia MEOW...SPLAT...RUFF...SPLAT...(Rainin Cats & Dogs) MESSAGE (n): Tagline carrier. MODEM - Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine. MODEM : What to do with tall weeds MODEM....a deterrent to phone solicitors. MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE! MS-DOS = suit & tie * Mac = cool shades * Amiga = high heels & a whip MS-DOS....MR DOS' Sister MSI- 800-999-9619 for further details. MY Sysop lets me say things like ÛÛÛ C E N S O R E D ÛÛÛ Mac error:Dude something went wrong Fixing Done Continue Mac? No thank you, I already own a good paper weight. MacIntosh - The step between Nintendo and IBM! MacIntosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove MacIntosh: only non-removable training wheeled Computer! Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change Mafia Families Cement Relations Magicians do it with rabbits. Mail Media. Do not expose to Flames! Mail packet: Dehydrated letters, just add computer! Mail your ideas written on the back of a $20 bill to... Maintenance release = written by the janitor? Make Money The Old Fashioned Way --- PRINT IT Make a joyful noise (but deny it when smelled by others) Make another pot of coffee...I'm gonna read mail. Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. Make friends with your SysOp - page him at 3 a.m.! Make headlines..use a corduroy pillow.... Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler. Make love, not war! Get married, do both! Make my day; blow up the World. Make people think and they will hate you. Make people think they are thinking: they will love you Make your 486 a Game boy; type WIN3 at the C:\>. Make your wife angry during sex: call her up. Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power. Mammary parity should always be even Man and mouse alike; both end up in pussy. Man created God in his own image. Man in clean shirt no fix laser printers - Confucius Man is a god in ruins. Man is the missing link between apes and human beings. Man shall not live by bread alone..New Testament, Matthews Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night Man who gets kicked in testicles is left holding bag. Man with athletic fingers make broad jump. Man, that lightning sounds clos>+Abe+++f NO CARRIER Many a man's tongue broke his nose. Many are educated...few are learned. Many things open by mistake, none so often as the mouth. Many tombstones should read: "Died at 30. Buried at 60." Marketing is simply sales with a college education. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. Marriage is ok, but I wouldn't recommend it for singles Marriage is the main cause for divorce. Marriage is the only adventure open to a coward Marriage is when you talk about it more than you do it. Marriage, a romance but the hero dies in the 1st chapter. Marriage, there's a reason they call it an institution! Marriage? No thanks, I don't breed well in captivity. Marriages are based on believing you won the arguments Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder & lightning. Married politicians do it to wife and country. Mary Had A Little Lamb -- Isnt Genetic Science Wonderful? Mary had a little RAM .... about a MEG or so Mary had a little lamb, Another mistake at the IVF clinic! Mary had a little lamb, some white wine, and a salad. Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised. Masochism: "Hit me, hit me." Sadism: "No." Mass starvation: What a beautiful choice. Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive Math problems? Call 1-800-10*(24+13)-(64-16)/2^14E Mathematician: A machine that converts coffee to theorems Mathematicians do it smoothly and continuously. Proof? Mathematics is the language God used to write the univers Matrimony is more than a word - it's a sentence. Maturity comes from the threat of mortality. May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy! May the fleas of a thousand camels nestle in your armpits. May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss. May you be embraced by arms. Preferably .45 small arms! May you ferment in the frothing feces of a constipated crocodile! May your screen live long and phosphor. Maybe God is a kid playing SimEarth. Maybe the Tower of Pisa is just being italic... Me hates peoples what doesn't use gooder English. Me... a skeptic? I trust you have proof? Mead: Proof that there IS a Goddess, and She does love us! Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for. ribbit? Medical Staff: Doctor's cane. Medicare: A partial care. Medicine: The art of amusing the sick until nature heals Mediocrity is OK, as long as one EXCELS at it... Mediocrity thrives on standardization. Meditation is not a means to an end. It is both the means and the end. Meetings are indispensable for doing nothing. Megahertz--when something is really painful Melbourne - Raining one day, Pouring the next. Memory Overload Error ... Meltdown Evident Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love. Men read Playboy for the articles - women go to malls for the music. Men snore to protect their women from wild animals. Men willingly believe what they wish. J.Caesar Men with playful cats shouldn't sleep nude!!! Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Mental Floss: In one ear and out the other. Mental floss twice a day... you'll prevent truth decay. Mercy for the guilty is cruelty to the innocent Mess is God's way of telling us we have too much stuff. Microbiology Lab : Staph Only! Microsoft Windows - proof that PT Barnum was correct. Middle Age: Your broad mind & narrow waist change places Middle age: When your age starts to show at your middle. Migraine: Multiple personalities, all with a headache Militant agnostic: I don't know and neither do you. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Millihelen: amount of beauty needed to launch 1 ship. Mind like steel trap: all which goes in comes out mangled Mind over matter: I don't mind, you don't matter Mindreader fired for leaving bookmarks in forehead. Minds & parachutes only function properly when open. Ministers do it vicariously. Ministers do it vicariously. Mischief all comes from too much opening of the mouth. Miser: Hard to live with, but a fine ancestor! Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. Misfortunes always enter a door left open for them. Misfortunes always enter a door left open for them. Misspelled? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. Mixed emotions: When your kid gets an "A" in Sex Education. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Modem sex begins with a handshake. Modem: Newest effective non-medical birth control device. Modem: Device to simulate sound of disconnected telephone Modem: The newest effective non-medical birth control device! Modeming's like sex, except for not wanting to get off. Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone! Modems...MOdulator DEModulator...MOney owDEd to telecoM! Moderation in everything, including abstinance. Moderator (n): see also god, dictator, egotist, oppressor Moderator required. IQ under 50 essential * Moderator(n): Subspecies of God, native to Fidonet! Moderator: One who has the ultimate twit list. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Monday is a lousy way to spend 14.286% of your life! * Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery. Money can't buy poverty -- you sort of have to earn it. Money does bring happiness? Send some and watch me smile Money is a good aphrodisiac. Flowers work almost as well. Money is far more persuasive than logic. Money is the Schrodinger's Cat of Economics. Money is the root of all wealth. Money talks - that explains why I've been so quiet lately. Monotheism is a gift from the gods Moral indignation is jealousy hiding under a halo. Morals for Sale, NEVER used. Contact Paul Keating. More duck tape! Our duck has another quack in it. More troubles than a centipede with fallen arches Morticians do it gravely. Moses gave the Egyptians 10 plagues...Microsoft gave us Windows 95. Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem better. Most bugs are real sons of glitches. Most people raise their voice rather then reinforcing their point. Most political jokes get elected. Mother said I hadn't oughta, so I stayed a virgin, sorta. Mother told be to be good (but she's been wrong before). Motorist:One who keeps Pedestrians in good running order Mountain Climbers do it on the rocks. Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated. Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere. Mr. President, it's your boss. You know, "We the People." Mrs. Gates described her honeymoon as,."Micro.....Soft" Multitasking ... buggering up several things at once. Multitasking = Damn Hourglass Multitasking = screwing up several things at once. Multitasking causes schizophrenia.. Murphy was an optimist. Murphy's Law fails only when you try to demonstrate it Murphy's law needs to be repealed. Music has too much sax and violins. Music is a higher revelation than philosophy. Beethoven Music is like religion, everyone swears theirs is better. Music is the only completely legal pleasure. Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice. Music makes a difference... support it in your schools. Musicians do it with rhythm. My *GOOD* Computer is a TRS-80 expanded to 16Kb of RAM * My 2 cents' worth, and priced just right! My 486 does an infinite loop in 4.68 sec. My 586-150 does an infinite loop in 4.68 sec. My BBS just put me on hold. My Birth Certificate?? Expired?? My Body's here, but my Mind's on vacation. My Boss is a Jewish carpenter! My Hard Disk went on a diet and lost it's FAT My Memory is fine - my Forgetter is better. My Twit Filter just put ALL OF YOU on its Twit List! My Twit Filter just put me on its Twit List! My best feature? I would say my overwhelming humility... My birth certificate has an expiration date on it. My boss is tempermental. 50% temper and 50% mental. My boss says I'm going to be famous, he says I'm history. My brain is my second favorite organ. My cat has 9 lives, but my frog croaks daily! My cat wasn't broke, but I had him fixed anyway. My computer NEVER loc My computer is NOT obsolete. Relays still do the job. My computer's sick and I think my modem is a carrier. My cow died, so I don't need your bull anymore!!! My crazy friend composes music in bed. He calls it sheet music. My dog works for the Fire Department. He helps locate fire hydrants. My family says i'm a psychopath, but the voices in my head... My family tree must have been used for firewood. My floppy got excited. Now it's a hard disk. My folks went to Turin and all I got was this lousy shroud. My free speech was censored by the Politically Correct. My fx/mdem hs a vry gd dta cmprssion lgrithm My girlfriend gives good headache My hard disk got full and passed out! My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. My keyboard keeps changing what I type. My last original thought died of loneliness. My message above. Your response here ____________. My mind is NOT for rent to any god or government! My mind is like a blotter Soaks it up, gets it backwards My mistakes are purely erroneous. My money and my children go to POLICE STATE! My other car is *ALSO* a road hazard... My other computer is an abacus. My reality check just bounced My religion? Seventh Day Agnostic ... My software never has bugs. It develops random features. My tagline is in the shop. This is a loaner. My taglines are originals, they just originate elsewhere. My tennis racket's broken, can I borrow your cat? My theory is... you're theory's wrong! My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. My train of thought is still loading at the station. My wallet's cache is disabled. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. My wife does bird imitations - watches me like a hawk My wife is a deaf & dumb nymphomaniac who owns a pub !! My wife says either she goes or my echo mail goes-I'm gonna miss her. My wife turned 40.(40=20+20) She's twice the fun now My wife writes romance novels.... I do the research. NATIONAL HEALTH CARE: Medicine with postal efficiency & IRS compassion NEVER Itch For Anything You Aren't Willing to Scratch For NITRATE: Cheaper than the day rate NO CARRIER ... Naval Aviator's worst nightmare! * NO HITCHHIKERS! (Except for blondes, brunettes, and redheads!) NO. You cannot call 911. I am downloading my mail! NOTE: Driver carries no cash---he's MARRIED! NRA Life Member JFK was shot by ACLU Member L.H. Oswald! NSW: Bubble-gum cards are in the Great Books series. NY police go bar-hopping, LA police go night-clubbing... Name one animal hunted with an AK-47, besides man. Nasty leak that. Glad it's not in OUR end of the boat. Natchez, Mississippi - Elephants are not permitted to drink beer. National Health Care equates to Involuntary Euthanasia Nature is cruel. If you don't believe me...look in the mirror. Necessity is the excuse for every infringement of freedom. Nefariousness is the mother of intervention! Neither a borrower nor a lender be; work for the IRS and steal it. Never EVER volunteer to give up your personal firearms. Never accept a beer from an urologist. Never argue with a fool - people may not be able to tell you apart. Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing. Never argue with a skunk, female, Sysop or Rod Speed. Never ask a mortician to bring back a cold one. Never assume the obvious as it is rarely the truth. Never borrow trouble, the interest is entirely too high. Never buy a software package bigger than your head. Never call a man a fool... borrow his money instead. Never confuse endurance with hospitality. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. Never draw a weapon unless you intend to use it. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you! Never eat more than you can lift. Never eat yellow snow ! Never feed a cat anything that clashes with the carpet Never hit a man with glasses, use the bottle Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist! Never judge a man by his taglines. Never kill unless it's necessary. Never lean forward to push an invisible object. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Never let a lightning-quick retort be hampered by thinking. Never let an inanimate object know you are in a hurry. Never let yesterday or tomorrow use up today. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never make love to a woman who's wearing spurs! Never mind the dog - beware of the owner! Never open a can of worms, 'less you plan to go fishing! Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely. Never rely on a person who uses party as a verb. Never stand near a sneezing dragon. Never steal anything small. - WC Fields Never step in anything soft with the exception of a bed. Never test for an error you don't know how to handle. Never trust a God Fearing People. Never trust a religion which is less than 3,000 years old. Never trust a skinny cook. Never try to outstubborn a cat Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never visit a doctor whose office plants have died. New Zealander, No...That's Not My Sheep, It's My Wife! New computer? But I like my vacuum tubes... They keep me warm. New from iNTEL - The Pentium(tm) Space Heater, New members urgently required for Suicide Club. New moderator required. Intelligence unnecessary New restaurant on the moon : cool, but no atmosphere... New stamp honoring prostitution, 45›. 60› to lick it. New statistician required. Accuracy unimportant. * Next door's fireworks display is always better. Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!! Next time, @N@, insert brain, THEN type. Nice computers don't go down on you. Nice girl...she was feeding the squirrels..to the lions. Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. Nice legs. For a human. Nice music here - my compliments to the clef! Nicest sound a cat makes: "Bump-Bump!!!" Nine out of ten Rotweilers prefer Jehovahs Witnesses Nine tenths of a woman's intuition is suspicion. No amount of advance planning can beat DUMB LUCK! No answer is also an answer. No cause is so right that one cannot find a fool following it. - Niven No compromise - no surrender - no firearms prohibition! No extra charge for heavy sarcasm. No good deed goes unpunished. No great genius has ever been without some madness. No guns?? What should I use for defense, harsh language?! No man is a fool always, but all men are fools sometimes. No man is an island. But some of us have long peninsulas. No man's liberty is safe while legislature is in session. No matter what happens, someone always knew it would! No matter who you vote for - the government gets elected. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt No one can think clearly with clenched fists. No one does as much harm as one going about doing good. No one else pays attention to you, so why should I? No one ever really knows themself. That certainly makes YOU lucky. No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid No one is completely worthless, use them as a bad example. No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money. No postage necessary if mailed in Antarctica. No reason to stand up. I know when I've been licked. No response is required or expected, IAW Don't answer, cementhead! No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work No special reason, just government policy No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.ÿ No, Bimodem doesn't mean your modem is gay. No, I'm NOT an Extended Character. No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant? No, it's NOT mink, it's cat,and it's okay cuz we ate them meat! No, it's not you: Windows gives EVERYONE a bad time! No, no, Nurse! I said "Prick his Boil!" No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!! No-bra speech: Point here, point there, shaky in between! No... Why, have YOU ever snorted laser toner? Noah saved animals from the flood by arcing them! Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble. Nobody ever forgets where they buried the hatchet. Nobody ever got into trouble by keepin' his mouth shut. Nobody ever notices what I do, until I don't do it! Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too. Nobody notices what I do till I don't do it. Nobody notices when things go right. Noone gets out of this world alive! Nor is Genitalia the brand name of Italian Power & Light. Normality will be restored once we're sure what it is. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be ! Not a computer nerd; merely a techno-weenie. Not all Blondes are dumb. But then who ever checks. Not all men are fools, some are bachelors. Not all men are fools, some have girlfriends. Not breaking the rules, just testing the elasticity... Not hungry, not homeless. Will work for sex. Not only am I a master of suspense, but... Not ready - error reading users mind! Not to know is bad, but not to wish to know is worse. Not tonight, dear. I have a modem. Nothin' ain't worth nothin' but its free! Nothing EVER just goes away! Nothing bad said about you is ever untrue. Nothing goes right for me. I have a canary who hums. Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible. Nothing is fool-proof as long as there are fools. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing is impossible with a willing heart.... Nothing is lost until you begin to look for it. Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up. Nothing is wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure. Nothing really obnoxious ever totally disappears. Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex. Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. Nothing's so small it can't be blown out of proportion. Nothing's so weird that no one's done it. Nothing: Often a good thing to do & a clever thing to say Now WHO buried the land mine in the cat's litter? Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature... Now for a short musical interlude Now if I can run Win3 under DV under Unix... Now is the WIN.ter of our disc contents. Bill Gatespeare Now that I have your ear, Mr. Van Gogh... Now where did I put that fire extinguisher? Now you know why I plug the coffee maker into the UPS. NowI know why so many squirrels live in your family tree. Nude photography. I tried it once and d*mn near froze. Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts. Nufin wrong with this place a little Plutonium can't fix Null modems were created when God got no handshake. Nut 'N Raisin: breakfast for the impotent! Nut loose on keyboard -- system halted. O God, please save me from the wrath of your followers. O Lord, protect me from those to whom You speak directly. OBOE(n):Kindling for an accordion fire. OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric. OLX does everything but think up new taglines... ONLINE ? Good! Hit to take the I.Q. Test ONLY criminals and tyrants fear an armed citizenry OPERA: A place where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it. OS/2 Error:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum OS/2 V2.0 What's this? A GUI for Yuppies!? OS/2: Upgrades are free. Who would PAY for it anyway? OS/2: Windows with bullet-proof glass. Obscenity: Whatever gives the judge an erection. Obviously, the obvious isn't obvious to everyone... OdourEaters: Two skunks 69-ing Of all my relations, I like sex the best. Of all noises, music is the least disagreeable. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Of course I have backups. Do you wanna' see last year's? Of course I have proof aliens are among us. Look at Unix. Of course I'm a virgin. I'm Catholic. Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are. Of course I'm sane. The voices in my head told me so. Of course gun control "works." The question is for whom! Of course its nonsense, its the law! Of course, coffee *is* one of the major vitamins Often a clear conscience is just a poor memory. Oh I'm really very sweet....don't let the M-16 fool you. Oh Shit, my hard disk just when floppy Oh give me a phone with a modem on loan...... Oh he's really very sweet....don't let that M-16 fool you. Oh no! Not another undocumented feature! Wanna' bet? Oh uh, lysdexic beykoard... Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other. Oh, I can C clearly now, my brain is gone... Oh, no! Not another learning experience! Ohm tried to do it but encountered resistance. OhshitIthinkmyspacebarjuststoppedworking * Ok, now for a quick backuL+b&2@^1s=" Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going ? Old Amigas never die, they just get harder to kick start Old Fireflies never die, they just find that they can't glow on. Old MacDonald had a computer, with EIA I/O... Old age is always 15 years older than I am! Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. Old chemists never die. They just fail to react. Old fools normally started as Young fools Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake. Old lawyers never die, they just mess their briefs... Old musicians never die, they just decompose. On a clear disk you can seek forever On the 8th day, the Corps of Engineers started changing everything. On the other hand... you have different fingers. On what conclusion do you base your facts? Once You Have The Experience You're Too Old For The Job Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. - Homer One beer gets me drunk... usually the 23rd. One blackbird to another: "Bred any good rooks lately?" One cannot assemble a militia from an unarmed populace. One man's freedom is another man's perversion. One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -Heinlein One more inch was all he needed... Bob Lawrence 1995 One of my other computers is parked in orbit. One opinion, worth what you paid for it. One test of good manners is putting up pleasantly with bad ones. One way to stop a runninghorse is to bet on it. One who trusts can never be betrayed--only mistaken. One will never stub their toe by standing still Only God and a fool are always right. Only Tyrants and Criminals need fear an armed citizen. Only a doctor suffers from good health. Only a fool fights in a burning house. Only a fool follows orders without knowing why! Only a fool tells the bald truth on social occasions. - Heinlein Only dead fish swim with the stream..... Only fools make technology a master instead of a servant. Only in your dreams are you really free. Only lemmings jump to conclusions. Only people can defend freedom; it isn't a government job. Only the dumb envy the talkative. Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress. Only the lucky find life is two steps forward, one back. Only the mediocre are always at their best. Only the rich have distant relatives. Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible. Only two things can top sex: Whipped cream and a cherry. Ooops. My brain just hit another bad sector. Open Windows and you let bugs in... Open mouth. Insert foot. Echo Nationally. Open your mouth honey, it's just a tongue depressor... Opera: A place where anything too dumb to be spoken is sung. Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry! Operator Failure: Please Insert a Bootable Brain. Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am Operetta: an Italian telephone operator. Opinions are like socks -- they smell after awhile Optimist invented an airplane; a pessimist a parachute. Optimist- Someone who hasn't been given all the facts. Optimist: A YUGO owner with a trailer hitch! Oral sex is a matter of taste. Organ donor? No WAY I'm giving up my Wurlitzer. Orgasm overload: bort

ause ontinue & go blind? Origin of Life? Just check my refrigerator ... Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Orwell is starting to look like an optimist. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Our future is always uncertain-Our end is always too near Our parents ruin our early lives, our children the rest of our lives. Our policy is ALWAYS to blame the computer. Our program, who art in memory, EXE be thy name... Our safety which art in hollow-point, Hydra-Shok be thy name. Out of sight, out of mind = invisible idiot Out to lunch - If not back by 5pm, out to dinner also Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. Oversexed man seeks woman to whom this is not a problem. Oversexed people are just more prone. Owww - Don't bite it - I've only got one!! Oxymoron: "...runs under Windows." Oxymoron: A contradiction in terms, e.g. rap music. Oxymoron: Bug free code. Oxymoron: Christian education. Oxymoron: Public Servant